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Oranges & Felons

by | 24th, June 2006

SATURDAY’S news that over 100 England fans had been arrested for behaving badly in Stuttgart made us blanch, or at least turn a lighter shade of orange. How many of this group were members of the Wags, the footballers’ wives and girlfriends, we wondered?

We feared the worst. On Monday Frank Lampard’s lover Elen Rives was heard yelling “F*** off!” to a group of Germans in a Baden Baden bar.

Surely the tone had been set. Just as we copy Elen and her pals’ love of orange skin, we ape other elements of their behaviour.

Who among us has not walked into a shop in Germany and in the style of Coleen McLoughlin spent £1440 on a Fendi handbag, £154 on Gucci sunglasses and £300 on a pair of Roberto Cavalli shorts, and teetered back onto the street atop two Louboutin stilettos (£395)? None that dare call themself an England fan.

While England supporters did as Elen and Coleen, the future Mrs Wayne Rooney jetted home to have her hair done.

A Number 1 all over for Coleen? We heard the Mail say that Victoria Beckham has developed a small bald patch on her head. This is surely a test area for Vicky’s ‘Skins’ look as she and the Wags look to further develop their football fan chic.

Would Coleen be first for the chop? “Before I left for Germany,” said Coleen, in that voice that makes whales sit up and listen, “I had copper and blonde hair extensions put in.” She went on: “I liked them at first, but after a while I decided I preferred my usual look.” So she had the false hair unwoven from her scalp and her own locks dyed to her “original” colour.

That was clear. But then came more trouble. With the plane booked and the Wags on a bus to the airport from England’s game against Sweden, someone needed the toilet. Who? We may never know. But the bus stopped and that delay caused the group to hit traffic and endure a lengthy trip to Cologne airport.

Upon arrival at Cologne airport the mood was dark. And now the plane was not ready. “What’s going on? We have children and pregnant women here and have been waiting hours?” asked Her Poshness, doing a passable impression of Gene Hackman in the Poseidon Adventure, hair and all.

“What is going on here?” Posh continued. “A dog gets better treatment than this.” It was a rather unfortunate comparison. And one that made no difference. Posh just got hotter under her England kit. And a full one hour after the scheduled departure time, she and the Wags were in the air.

When landed, they wasted no time getting back in shape, spending £10,000 on flying three beauticians to Germany to spay them a uniform orangey colour.

And there was no time to waste. If this was to be a fashion statement, the girls had to hurry. Everyone wants to be a fashion leader, and there was Kate Moss already showing us her orange peel thighs.

What with this being Kate, chances are that cellulite will become the next big thing.

So look out for women displaying their cellulite with pride and teenage girls sticking orange peel to their legs in a desperate attempt to look fashionable and hip.

And also look out for the Wags and their families, who may well be languishing in a prison cell in deepest Germany.

Or they might have escaped and right now are passing themselves off as the Dutch, dressed as they are in all that lovely all-over orange…



Posted: 24th, June 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink