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Anorak | No Defence

No Defence

by | 27th, June 2006

“I AM absolutely delighted England beat Ecuador and hope they stay in the competition as long as possible.”

So says Tortora Carmine, owner of Garibaldi’s bar and spit roast. He is so happy with England he’s ordered 700 litres of strong beer and put a few hundred bottles of champagne on ice. Herr Carmine says it “should last a few days”.

The booze is not for him but for the Wags who have put his bar on the map. “People say my bar is now one of the most famous in the world,” says he.

And it’s all thanks to those Wags and the Mads (footballers’ mums and dads) who have brought a little corner of an Essex theme pub to Baden Baden.

But Tortora should watch out. He might not mind the girls dancing on the tables – “their stilettos haven’t left any scratches” – but it can be tricky to remove blood from the carpets and extract bits of tooth from the walls.

You see, a fight is brewing. “WAGS AT WAR,” announces the Mirror. “It’s like a 24-hour hen party (without L-plates)..Posh and Nancy think it’s all a bit out of hand.”

The Mirror says the goings on between the orange-skinned band of charmless lovelies is “almost” as gripping as the team’s performances on the pitch. Indeed, if we see a shot of Victoria Beckham emulating her husband by unleashing a technicolour yawn over Germany soil, it would be more so.

But we won’t. And neither will we see Victoria cavorting about the place. As a source says: “Victoria’s been in this game for years. She’s got decorum whereas some of the others couldn’t even spell the word.”

Not that they have to. Such is their wealth they can pay people to spell for them. But, never mind, the source goes on to say that Vicky is in Germany to support her David and not “compete against the other girls to get their picture taken in skimpy outfits”.

Victoria is bigger than that, metaphorically speaking. And to prove it, the Mirror produces a shot of her Poshness cheering on the lads in a pair of child-size denim shorts and a blue waistcoat over bare orangey flesh.

And there’s another picture, this one’s of Joe Cole’s lover Carly Zuker. She’s the one Victoria doesn’t approve of, allegedly. Carly is aged just 24 and looks “stunning” dressed in jeans and a plain blue T-shirt.

If a fight is brewing, Posh should get some bigger clothes on lest her exposed skin become scratched and her shorts constrict the flow of blood to her fists…



Posted: 27th, June 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink