The Un-Fallen Madonna

LOOKING at the photographs of Madonna there seems to be little of the Billy Connolly about her?

The Mirror watches the singer begin the UK leg of her Confessions world tour with a performance at London’s Wembley Arena.

And, specifically, is takes a long lingering look at her backside. The Express invites its readers to do likewise and, like the Mirror, produces two shots of the singer’s rear.

Madonna turns 48 later this month and the Express says her figure shows that “work-outs really work”.

The Mail agrees. And for reasons of instruction tells its readers that to get the Madonna look you need to spend up to three hours a day in the gym (short for gymnasium).

In this gym you should do yoga (short for yoghurt), “Pilates” and “weight training”. Madonna uses the Gyrotonic Expansion System, in which “the body is stretched and manipulated for maximum muscles definition”. Ask for it by name, or its nickname: the rack.

But you need more than just a conical-shaped backside to be a top star these days. You need audience participation. And when Madonna saw that not everyone was dancing to her music she issued a challenge.

This was Madge’s Connolly moment. (The comedian is known to tell anyone leaving one of his performances to use the toilet that he will wait for them to get back before carrying on. He waits. A spotlight tracks their progress from and back to their seat while Connolly highlights their failings.)

“Hey, you, why aren’t you dancing?” asked Madonna. “Come on.” The target was Duncan James, an ex-boyband singer. “I couldn’t believe she was pointing at me,” says he. “I was so embarrassed.”

Madonna fans have been duly warned. To avoid embarrassment you must dance. And if you do so while wearing an unforgiving leotard, then so much the better.

Posted: 3rd, August 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink