No More Countryside
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“Disaster in the post? It’s as big as decimalisation, experts warn, but hardly anyone has a clue how the new mail service will work” – Surely it will work much like the old way: you put a letter in post box; it gets lost/stolen/misplaced; you use the telephone and fax machine.
“Teaching right and wrong is scrapped…and so is anything to do with British heritage” – Good job the righteous Mail is here to educate us all
“Drought. Power cut. Our crops withering. Why can’t we cope with a hot summer?” – Melanie Phillips curses Tony Blair’s weather machine
“Next migrants surge could tip us into chaos, says minister” – Home Office Minister John Ryan’s leaked memo
TUESDAY
“Why isn’t the new prostate surgery which reduces the risk of incontinence and impotence more widely available?” – Singer Vince Hill tells us about his Laparoscopic Radical Prostatectomy, and poses with a tennis racket
“Why being fat may not be so bad for you after all” – More chips and crisps all round
“HIDDEN PERILS IN OUR FOOD.” Three ingredients used in tens of thousands of everyday foods are being linked with serious health risks” – Chuck out the soya, the high fructose corn syrup and the trans fats. Eat more chips
“Just what can happen when you fall ill on board a plane. My husband was dumped on a remote African runway – and our ordeal was only just beginning” – Should have stayed in Cleethorpes
WEDNESDAY
“Beware the bedbugs biting again” – “Pest control expert Clive J Boase, author of Bedbugs: Reclaiming Our Cities, said: ‘This is a serious problem we have in Britain” – Buy his book and hit the bedbugs with it
“He writes songs you can actually sing, doesn’t do drugs and has fought for his country. So why am I the only person who doesn’t hate James Blunt” – Sarah Sands must be a rebel at heart
THURSDAY
“Homes will ‘wipe out rural England’” – So says the, er, campaign to protect rural England from a cricket pitch on the M6
“VITAMIN TABLETS ‘MAY DO MORE HARM, THAN GOOD’” – Don’t worry, take some St John’s Wort, a tincture of hamster urine and some desiccated ylang ylang and try to relax
“Nurseries ‘threaten to produce a generation of illiterate Vicky Pollards’” – No! Yes! No! Yes!!
“Foreigners put price of cottages through the thatched roof” – It’s the Mail’s headline of the week
FRIDAY
“BINGE BRITAIN – Britain is addicted to alcohol”. The Mail has seen a report by the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moore’s University
“They have no TVs in their rooms, eat home-cooked food and walk everywhere. That’s why teenagers in impoverished Romania are fitter and healthier” – How jealous our teenagers must be
“Will you get dementia? – Swedish neurologist Dr Miia Kivipelto has developed a scorecard to see how likely you are to get dementia in the next 20 years. Problem is that you might forget your results
Posted: 6th, August 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
