Anorak | The French Conkerers

The French Conkerers

by | 5th, October 2006

“CONKERS is like rugby,” says Stephane Jally, chairman of La Fédération Française de Conkers.

“The British invented it but we do it better.” Like le sandwich, le Macintosh and le Marks & Spencer.

And now the French have set their eyes on our conkers. Since Britain is only world champion at snooker, darts and conkers, this assault on our superiority should be countered with force. No quarter must be given.

And so the Times makes ready for this weekend’s World Championship of conkers in Ashton, Northamptonshire.

Should the French win, the very real fear is that the tournament will be relocated to some bucolic French setting, and English conquerists, who do nor travel well, will be forced to venture abroad into the heart of darkness.

This battle is not just a battle of conqerest but a clash of civilisations.

And the 22 French players are massed on our shores. M. Jally says his is a “very solid team”, with barely hidden menace. How solid, we wonder? Solid as a layer of French polish or varnish?

But before we get too involved in talk of cheating foreigners coming over her and stealing our conker crown, we read on and thereby learn an uncomfortable truth.

The French team has been created not by some Frenchman who grew tired of knocking snail shells together and looked for a new challenge. No. For équipe française we have an Englishman to thank. Step forward, take a bow (and risk having your nut mistaken for a conker) Stewart Edwards.

Mr Edwards we will keep a civil tongue owns a café called L’Entente Cordiale in the

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