Happy To Serve
WHAT did you do in the war?
“Well, son,” says the grandfather as he dandles the nipper on his aged knee. “I tuned into Channel 4 news and Sky news. I saw action on both sides, son.”
“I also tuned into the Fantasy Channel and gave and gave again to the cause.”
As the Star reports (“YOUR COUNTRY SEEDS YOU”), “brave” British soldiers are being recruited to alleviate a national sperm crisis.
The story is illustrated with a picture of Lord Kitchener issuing his call to arms from that famous “YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU” First World War recruitment poster.
If that is not enough to get the juices flowing, the Star has pictures of topless Michelle and Emily.
And thanks to the power of the telephone, our squaddies can become still further aroused by dialling a premium rate number and hearing Michelle and Emily say what they do in a typical day. Dreaming of squaddies is bound to feature highly.
Of course, this may not be great news for one and all. In a recent article for the Times, former footballer Tony Cascarino regaled us with news that before a match one seasoned pro would engage in a little tension breaker in the privacy of a toilet cubicle.
On the other hand, there are other sportsmen, notably boxers, who avoid all female involvement until the fight is over.
Where female sportsmen stand or sit on this heated debate is a furrow of sporting endeavour left unploughed.
But why is the soldiers’ sperm needed, you cry? And how will it save the country?
Reading on we learn that this story is not quite as it seems. The headline “Troops get call for sperm war” is not exactly as it appears. There will be no battle in the Petri dish between Private Smyth’s little swimmers and those belonging to al-Qaeda’s champion onanist.
The sperm is being frozen in case the would-be daddy does not make it home from the battlefield or is left infertile.
If a soldier has given legal consent, his sperm can be used after his death. And one fertility company is asking Army recruits to plan for the future.
This is all in a good cause. And it is not hard to think that Iraq would be a better place if more of the men who don’t get enough sex spent their days doing something productive…
Posted: 6th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
