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Anorak | A Few Home Truths About Richard Littlejohn’s Daily Mail Column That’s Made In The USA

A Few Home Truths About Richard Littlejohn’s Daily Mail Column That’s Made In The USA

by | 5th, March 2014

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“YOU couldn’t make it up.” The reviews of Richard Littlejohn’s only novel, 2001’s Hell In A Handcart , suggest he was right. He couldn’t make it up, not really. Instead, finding true fiction to be beyond him, he has committed to a life of half-truths and pseudo-fiction pumped into the open sewer of his Daily Mail column. The Britain that Littlejohn writes about is pieced together from bits of right-wing doggerel, half-watched police procedurals and his own fevered imagination where the gays and the foreigners ruined his green and pleasant land. In fact, Littlejohn is so patriotic he had to move to Florida to accurately pursue his commitment to Britain.

While Littlejohn rarely, if ever, refers to his American residency, it’s frequently evident in his column that he doesn’t know obvious things about modern Britain. Witness this week’s confusion over Frankie & Benny’s, a restaurant that utterly baffles poor old Dick and leads him to pen an encomium to the greasy spoon:

“And whatever happened to greasy spoons? Once, you could find decent transport caffs at regular intervals along all major trunk roads.”

Ah yes, those halcyon days of crappy fry ups served by surly men who had not washed their hands since the old king died. Wonderful times. Wonderful times. None of those pretentious foreign customs like napkins, table clothes or basic human decency were acceptable then. And curries? Nope. Muck. Mushy peas, misery and gravy so thick it could kill a duck were all we needed.

And for Littlejohn, getting red-faced with rage about fried breakfasts is all part of his plan to seem like a man-of-the-people rather than a pompous ex-pat paid well over the odds by the Mail to make the world seem far more miserable than it really is. See this paragraph which makes Littlejohn sound like a sales rep schlepping around the Southern region trying to sell dusters and mops to uninterested office managers:

“Early Friday morning I happened to be near Reading and fancied an old-fashioned bacon banjo and a mug of workmen’s tea. I drove up and down the A4 for miles without success. Eventually, I spotted somewhere called Frankie & Benny’s offering an ‘All Day Breakfast’.”

Sorry to spoil the incredible conclusion to Dick’s Don Quixote In A Reasonably Priced Family Hatchback tale but he soon discovers that Frankie & Benny’s

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Posted: 5th, March 2014 | In: News Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink