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Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995Tabloid news for broadsheet readers |
The news on Big Brother, the reality TV show that created so many top stars
BIG BROTHER ends tonight, and the Daily Star, heat, OK! and Closer magazines look forward to some new fodder to stick atop the EU Celebrity mountain.
First up, we learn that “REX OUT TO DEATH THREATS”.
The Star says Rex is “public Enemy Number One In Wales.”
Whereas the rest of the UK fears Osama bin Laden, Noel Edmonds and the Hadron Collider, Wales concerns itself with a sarcastic chef.
BIG BROTHER is “fixed”. Fact. The Daily Express says so.
Who knew that at the death of this season’s show, Big Brother would turn out to be about as authentic as Old Mr Anorak’s first wife’s passport.
And the Star has proof. Want to know what the proof is?
THERE’S an “orgy of sex and bullying” on Big Brother.
So says the Daily Star, which leads with a picture of Big Brother Jen standing boso-a-boso with Big Brother’s Steph.
But before the tag-team-bitchiness and bosoming can begin, news is that Lisa and Mario are to get their own reality TV show, an PG (Please God)-rated version of the Test Card.
BIG BRother in the US does away with reality and replaces a homophic rant with a cutesy phrase:
Ah, CBS. We were expecting for Big Brother to not air preacher’s son Ollie’s homophobic rants that were captured on the live feeds — but during last night’s episode, the show completely fabricated the entire scene. As you may recall, Ollie lashed out at fellow contestant Memphis during a heated argument in the backyard, and as Ollie walked away he told Memphis to “suck my dick, little faggot.” Memphis replied, “What did you just call me?” and followed him inside as Ollie repeated himself multiple times. But according to last night’s episode, Ollie muttered “red-headed cabbage patch kid” instead of his original rant.
And you thought it was real…
IT’S Big Brother uber milf Lisa Appleton and her Buzz Lightyear (The Middle Years) lover Mario Marconi.
Before we continue, Anorak would like to say that the world is divided into two groups: those who think people are staring at them because they are gorgeous; those who think people are staring at them because they are odd and have something stuck to their face?
Now back to the Star’s news that Lisa and Mario have been in “WIFE SWAP SECRETS”.
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
BIG Brother news and news that “NICOLE: BOOBS WILL MAKE ME £MILLION”.
Nicole Cammack’s boobs have some way to be the hardest working breasts in showbusiness, that title being shared by Jordans, but they are not without drive and ambition.
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
IT’S “Big Brother Nicole”. She wants to tell us about: “COCAINE, GAZZA AND ME.”
Given the PR dive to make whiny Nicole appear interesting, Cocaine, Gazza and Me may well turn out to be the names of three Yorkshire terriers she once encountered on Hamstead Heath.
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
“BIG BRUV STEPH IS ATTACKED IN STREET.”
Grim news on the Star’s front page is that “sexy” Stephanie McMichael has been the victim of muggers following a night out in London’s venue of strumpets, Chinawhite.
And no surprise whatsoever to learn that the felons stole her mobile phone. You know, the one with the names of all her celebrity chums on.
“Now the babe fears for the security of her celeb friends as their contact details are stored on her phone.”
How the likes of Keith Harris, Chico and DanLy – “the world’s third best Kylie and Danni Minogue impersonator” – must be hoping that their phones will ring.
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
BIG Brother’s Nicole is the “MOST HATEED HOUSEMATE EVER”.
So says the Star which is specialist is matter of hating Big Brother housemates.
“BIG BROTHER REX AND NICOLE ARE FAKE,” says the Star.
Fake is just about the worst insult a reality TV agonist can have leveled at them.
JADE Goody has cervical cancer. Or as the Economic Times of India puts it: “Jade Goody detected with cancer.”
If there was one area of Jady Goody’s life yet to be exposed it was her cervix. But now that gap in her CV has been plugged.
JADE Goody is to enter the Big Brother house in India, slowing the local that there former colonial overlords have evolved from the stiff-upper-lipped, subjugating and jingoistic ninnies of old to something altogether less pleasant.
Shilpa Shetty, aka Shilpa Poppadom, who encountered Goody The Hoody on Celebrity Big Brother is now retuned to “where she come from”, as Danielle Lloyd advised.
“BIG BROTHER FIXES IT FOR REX,” announces the Daily Star on its front page. Above the headline is a picture of a grinning person holding aloft a medal.
Might this be Rex, and might he be holding his Jim’ll Fix It-style gong, albeit awarded by Big Bother? Did BB fix it for Rex to go on live telly for the entire summer and engage in some competitive sarcasm?
WANT to see Big Brother’s Stuart Pilkington “EXPOSED”.
He’s done interviews, loadsa interviews, but this is his first “REAL INTERVIEW”, and its in the Star on Sunday, where “real” is not a four-letter word, unlike in some other papers (you know who you are).
PSST! Wanna see a ginger chef with a bouffant and a neat line in sarcasm getting off with a wet blanket?
The Star gives its readers a peek of “BIG BROTHER REX’S LIVE SEX SHOW”…
Look now to ensure disappointment…
THE big news is that Big Brother’s Jen and Dale “speak only to the Daily Star”.
Of course, Jen and Dale have no need of speaking to each other, because they are too busy having sex. Star readers can learn of: “We were up until dawn; Sexy breakfast in bed; Secret of BB shower romp.”
The rest of the world will need diagrams, CCTV footage and a cut-out-and-paste picture of Jen holding her bosoms and shots of Dale with his mouth agape…
AS the Ninth Rule Of Big Brother states:
Evicted housemates should seek out a former housemate and declare that they fancy them and have had sex all night long.
So to today’s compliant Star’s front page, where readers learn that newly evicted Dale (the one who can’t breathe with his mouth closed) and past evictee Jennifer are in “LUST”.
Inside and Dale is up for a “sex fest”. Or as Dale puts it:
“I was ready to go. I was missing my friends and family.”
Such is the lust…
“BIG BROTHER REX GETS THE BOOT,” announces the Star on its foremost page.
“Sexy Steph spells end for randy chef.”
Steph rhymes with chef. And that’s good enough for the story to be front-page news. But there is more.
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
BIG Brother’s Rebecca Shiner and her Barry George wannabe Luke Marsden are to marry in Las Vegas.
They are vey much in love, and to prove it Luke is pictured on the Star’s front page groping his paramour.
Inside, and Luke is pulling down the top of Rebecca’s shimmering dress and peeping within.
After yesterday’s pictures of Luke touching up Bex in the bath, her on top of him, and them in a glutinous frot, Anorak is watching the bookshelves for “The Joy Of Bex – A guide to sex in public”.
BIG Brother Luke and Bex are talking over each other shoulders to the Daily Star. They are the “BIG BONKERS”.
Says Luke: “She tore me apart like a wild animal off the Discovery Channel!”
Before the mauling, though, Bex makes sure her mate is clean, by bathing with him and encouraging him to use his hands as a makeshift bra, to save spare her blushes and ensure compatibility.
BELOW the news that Barry George is “quitting Britain”, the Daily Star reports on Big Brother: “LUKE MY STORY – YES BEX – YES I WANT SEX”.
George may realise that attracting a mate requires something more sophisticated than stalking, such as announcing it via a national newspaper.
Look out for wannabe stalkers strapping on sandwich boards bearing the legend “I AM HUNTING YOU” and waiting for women to wander past.
In an exclusive, tell-all interview with the Daily Star Sunday, the Luke Marsden, Big Brother housemate emeritus, “confessed how he… can’t wait to ply her with booze and have his wicked way…”
Readers might wonder if this is an extract from George’s dairies or a D-list celeb telling all?
See if you can guess whose saying the following lines, George or Marsden:
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
The Dail Star is the “Official Big Brother Paper”. It knows the ins and the outs of life in the house.
“BB VOTE SCAM TO SAVE LUKE”
Fans fear there is a plot to keep geeky Luke in the house.
Viewers hoping to evict a wannabe tonight are in for a shock because the phone lines have already closed… The majority believe that is why chiefs are trying to fix the poll to stop the skinny student from being evicted.
GEEKY Luke Marsden was last night hoping for a hot reunion with busty Bex Shiner after he was booted out of the house.
The plot thickens…