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Anorak | Tony Blair Remembers

Tony Blair Remembers

by | 4th, November 2006

MONDAY and Tony Blair was writing in the Sun. He was issuing an ultimatum: “Pay up or the planet gets it.”

The madman would destroy us all! Tony’s weather machine can do its damndest but surely in killing the planet he kills everyone, not just criminals, Tories and fat people.

“Today the Government will publish the most important report on the future which I have received since becoming Prime Minister,” wrote Tony.

It was more important than John Prescott’s integrated transport policy and Euan’s school report? It was that important. The Sun’s customary tales of celebrities and telly could wait a while.

“The Stern report should be seen across the globe as the final word on why the world must act now to limit the damage we are doing to our planet,” said Tony.

We were getting a Stern warning from some chap who was once an economist at the ambitious World Bank.

As Tony said, Nicolas Stern’s report was the last word on all things environmental. It will go down in history as the report that led to the resuscitation of planet Earth after years of human abuse. And Tony’s name would feature prominently.

The choice was clear: we could either follow Stern’s advice or else ignore it and move on to our certain doom.

Not a single word more would be said on the matter. No more trees would be pulped for reports. No more hot air would be spouted by tree-hugging politicos. No more would we hear stories about how humanity should be given an Asbo for mugging Mother Nature.

Phew! “Ferdrwch chji ddeud writhai faint mae’r maes parcio yn gostio, os gwelch yn dda?”, as they say in the car park at the Royal Victoria Hotel in Llanberis, Snowdonia, on Tuesday.

At least that’s what the Welsh speakers say. The rest – the English – say: “Can you tell me how much your car park costs, please?” You may care to throw a “my good man”, if you fancy.

It’s the same question in either language, but it triggers different answers for the parking attendant. The answer to the question in Welsh is “£2 please”. The answer to the English version is “£4”.

Aran Jones, chief executive of the Welsh rights pressure group Cymuned, told the Express: “This attendant needs congratulating, without a doubt.”

He continued: “The idea for charging local people lower prices for local facilities is not uncommon in other parts of the world. I am 100 per cent in favour of making measures like this more wide-spread across the region.”

It is a noble aim. But there is a problem: how local is local?

What about a full discount for actual bona fide Welshmen and, say, 10 per cent off for anyone who owns a copy of Max Boyce Poem and Pints Vol 1?

Or what about if you a Rogarian – one of those Romanian and Bulgarians who are about to invade and enslave this once proud nation?

On Wednesday the Sun announced on its front page: “EU’VE HAD IT.”

And this was not all. Inside the Sun’s front page, came a chilling headline: “ROMANIANS COMMIT 85% OF CRIME AT CASHPOINTS.”

It was shocking stuff. But so long as you avoid cash machines, you stand a decent chance of not falling victim to a Rogarian criminal. Although be aware that the 15 per cent of Rogarians who don’t commit their crimes at cashpoints may well get you later.
This news reached us via a Government “secret memo”. Referring to the accession of the two countries as “A2”, their impact upon the EU had been assessed at the highest level.

The dossier, compiled by Immigration Minister Liam Byrne and EU Minister Geoff Hoon, said: “There is a concern that free movement will encourage people from Bulgaria and Romania to come to the UK, some of whom may be drawn towards organised criminal activity already well established in the UK.”

Of dear. But perhaps if John Reid, the Home Secretary, could see fit to treat Rogarians like, say, Poles and not place a cap of 22,000 on the number of them who work here legally, less would feel inclined to work here illegally?

Whatever the reasons, we are doomed. We should hold a silence for the memory of what was once called Great Britain. But how long should it last. Any advance on five minutes?

When the Spanish capital paused in 2005 for an official five-minute silence to mark the anniversary of the Madrid train bombs, it was hard not to be impressed. See if you can be silent in a crowd of people for five full minutes. And, no, you cannot put on your iPod, read or smoke a contemplative fag.

And when you’re not being silent, do remember to wear a sign of some kind, a wristband or a T-shirt proclaiming your cause. This will encourage others to look at you and remember.

Or you could wear a poppy, like Prince Charles, but not like Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.

The Express had earlier told a shocked world that Camilla had removed her poppy because it was chaffing on her scarf. And not just any scarf but a “Muslim scarf”.

We have long laboured under the belief that all scarves are born with a tabula rasa; they are not defined by the religion or beliefs of their parent sheep or, as is the case with cashmere, goat.

But here was the Muslim scarf. And on Thursday it was covering Camilla’s plastic poppy. That was Thursday November 2. There was still time before the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month for Camilla to get it right.

(When did Remembrance Day stretch to two weeks and become Remembrance Fortnight? And if it has gotten longer, shouldn’t the official period of silence be similarly extended from two minute’s to, say, the magical six?)

Of course, what we will choose to remember in that lengthening pause is, for now at least, up to us. And after three minutes of quiet, our thoughts turn to the oven and whether or not we left it on.
And we should spare a thought for Kate Moss and the poor people of Columbia in her thrall. On Friday, we learnt that Kate Moss – Model of the Year – has corrupted the people of Colombia.

Sure, Colombia was the world’s foremost cultivator of coca and coca derivatives before Kate’s alleged involvement with cocaine, but the farmers and cartels over there had no more links with the trade in drugs than Wernher Von Braun could be blamed for where his World War 2 rockets came down.

“To me, it’s baffling that someone who helps cause so much pain in Colombia is doing better then ever,” said Francisco Santos, Colombia’s vice president. “I never once heard her says ‘I’m sorry’, when in Colombia people die every day because of cocaine consumption – that hurts.”

For sure it does. And we should not forget them. Pray silence. And start to remember…

Picture: bbdo



Posted: 4th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink