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Anorak | Tony Blair Remembers

Tony Blair Remembers

by | 4th, November 2006

MONDAY and Tony Blair was writing in the Sun. He was issuing an ultimatum: “Pay up or the planet gets it.”

The madman would destroy us all! Tony’s weather machine can do its damndest but surely in killing the planet he kills everyone, not just criminals, Tories and fat people.

“Today the Government will publish the most important report on the future which I have received since becoming Prime Minister,” wrote Tony.

It was more important than John Prescott’s integrated transport policy and Euan’s school report? It was that important. The Sun’s customary tales of celebrities and telly could wait a while.

“The Stern report should be seen across the globe as the final word on why the world must act now to limit the damage we are doing to our planet,” said Tony.

We were getting a Stern warning from some chap who was once an economist at the ambitious World Bank.

As Tony said, Nicolas Stern’s report was the last word on all things environmental. It will go down in history as the report that led to the resuscitation of planet Earth after years of human abuse. And Tony’s name would feature prominently.

The choice was clear: we could either follow Stern’s advice or else ignore it and move on to our certain doom.

Not a single word more would be said on the matter. No more trees would be pulped for reports. No more hot air would be spouted by tree-hugging politicos. No more would we hear stories about how humanity should be given an Asbo for mugging Mother Nature.

Phew! “Ferdrwch chji ddeud writhai faint mae’r maes parcio yn gostio, os gwelch yn dda?”, as they say in the car park at the Royal Victoria Hotel in Llanberis, Snowdonia, on Tuesday .

At least that’s what the Welsh speakers say. The rest the English say: “Can you tell me how much your car park costs, please?” You may care to throw a “my good man”, if you fancy.

It’s the same question in either language, but it triggers different answers for the parking attendant. The answer to the question in Welsh is “£2 please”. The answer to the English version is “£4”.

Aran Jones, chief executive of the Welsh rights pressure group Cymuned, told the Express: “This attendant needs congratulating, without a doubt.”

He continued: “The idea for charging local people lower prices for local facilities is not uncommon in other parts of the world. I am 100 per cent in favour of making measures like this more wide-spread across the region.”

It is a noble aim. But there is a problem: how local is local?

What about a full discount for actual bona fide Welshmen and, say, 10 per cent off for anyone who owns a copy of Max Boyce Poem and Pints Vol 1?

Or what about if you a Rogarian one of those Romanian and Bulgarians who are about to invade and enslave this once proud nation?

On Wednesday the Sun announced on its front page: “EU’VE HAD IT.”

And this was not all. Inside the Sun’s front page, came a chilling headline: “ROMANIANS COMMIT 85% OF CRIME AT CASHPOINTS.”

It was shocking stuff. But so long as you avoid cash machines, you stand a decent chance of not falling victim to a Rogarian criminal. Although be aware that the 15 per cent of Rogarians who don’t commit their crimes at cashpoints may well get you later.
This news reached us via a Government “secret memo”. Referring to the accession of the two countries as “A2”, their impact upon the EU had been assessed at the highest level.

The dossier, compiled by Immigration Minister Liam Byrne and EU Minister Geoff Hoon, said: “There is a

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Posted: 4th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink