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Anorak | Enough Is Never Enough

Enough Is Never Enough

by | 21st, January 2007

feltz.jpg“I DIDN’T know what to do,” trills Vanessa Feltz, “crying wouldn’t be enough, laughing wouldn’t be enough, jumping up and down wouldn’t be enough, not even shouting or screaming would be enough. I was just so ecstatic.”

Enough already, say we. But Vanessa is only just getting warmed up. “She was running around like she was six years old!” says Ben Ofoedu, billed as the “former Phats and Small star”.

Given Vanessa ‘Nessy’ Feltz’s public battles with weight, it is not without interest to learn that her beloved one performed with Jason ‘Phats’ Hayward and Russell ‘Small’ Small, two house DJs, it says here.

Some would call this cruel, others kismet. For Vanessa, whose Feltzene proportions have occupied large and larger still places in OK! magazine for many a moon, it means little. She looks happy.

But happy is not enough, neither are elated, delighted and euphoric. When Ben asked Vanessa to marry him the day before New Year’s Eve, she was fit to pop.

So loved up are they that OK! dubs them “Benessa”. Minds turn to Bradjelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) and Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez). And we realise that neither of those showbiz couples ever married. Indeed, with the crabsticks defrosting and the ice bridge being hewn from a chunk of Antarctica, Affleck and Lopez split.

The portents for Benessa are not promising. Should we leave the celebratory wedding crabsticks in the deepfreeze?

We are not sure. But on the topic of wedding food, Ben refutes the rumour that he was planning to put the engagement ring in a mince pie on Christmas Day. “If you’d put it in a mince pie,” says Vanessa, “I’d have eaten it, swallowed the ring and spent the whole of Christmas in casualty!”

The mince pie was a narrow escape. But still danger loomed. And while holidaying in Ireland, Ben bought Vanessa some white roses and a chocolate cream cake. He booked a table in a restaurant. But the setting was not quite right. Ben waited. Vanessa was free to eat the full-fat cake without fear for her life, well, not in the short tem.

Vanessa was kept waiting. “I was on my best behaviour during the meal and at the end of every course I kept thinking, is this it?” says she. “Even when the ice cream came, I thought a ring could be hidden inside.”

And with the meal ended we are whisked off the couple’s hotel room, where Ben is going down on one knee. “Vanessa Jane,” he says, “will you marry me?” Says Ben: “In a moment like that your soul takes over so your words just come out naturally.”

Ben was speaking in tongues. And Vanessa understood. The next day they went for lunch and Ben wrote “BO 4 VJ” on her pie in ketchup.

For many this would be too much. But Vanessa just doesn’t know when enough is enough…



Posted: 21st, January 2007 | In: Reviews Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink