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Bob Woolmer Murder: Told You I Was Ill

by | 2nd, June 2007

bob-woolmer.jpgBOB Woolmer was murdered.

Woolmer was killed by an ancient poison called anconite. He was killed by al-Qaeda, the Mafia, a deranged fan, a member of the Pakistan team, snake venom and a poisoned drink. Bob Woolmer was William Wallace in whites, hung, drawn, quartered and scattered to the winds.

Woolmer was the victim of a game of Corridor Cricket, in which an unnamed batsman did strike with deadly force the stale bread roll ball hurled down the corridor at the Pegasus Hotel, Jamaica, by an unnamed bowler. It was Woolmer’s lot to open his bedroom door as the missile was hit for “six” and the cry “Heads!” went up.

But now we learn via the Mail’s front page that Bob Woolmer was not killed. As the headline screams: “IT WASN’T MURDER.”

It now seems that the Pakistan cricket coach was not in the best of health at the time of his death. Such is the strength of the detective work in Jamaica that next week the world will learn that at the time of his death Woolmer was not feeling all that well.

Beneath a picture of Bob Woolmer, the Mail offers the caption: “Bob Woolmer: He was not a well man.”

As the Mail reminds us, “the 58-year- old former England batsman was found dead on March 18 in his suite at the Pegasus Hotel in Kingston, Jamaica, hours after Pakistan crashed to a shock defeat against rank outsiders Ireland in the World Cup.”

Mark Shields, a former Scotland Yard detective now operating as Deputy Commissioner in the Jamaican force told us he was “100 per cent certain” that Woolmer had been murdered.

flintoff.jpgThe Mail says that these “bombshell comments effectively wrecked the tournament”. Only they didn’t. The Cricket World Cup was wrecked, for England at least, when Andrew Flintoff set out to invade America on pedalo, the final finished in almost total darkness and Bob Willis, the third stump of Sky TV’s coverage, was bitten by a mosquito.

But to the Mail the game was up when Woolmer was found dead in his hotel room.
The world looked on in horror at the World Cup Murder Mystery. And now we hear a source tell us: “”Mr Woolmer was not a well man. It is now accepted that he died of natural causes.”

A colleague of Mark Shields’ says: “The knives are out for Mark. It’s enormously embarrassing . . . there’s blood on the carpet in the Jamaican police.”

Or it might be cranberry juice. Forensic report to follow…



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