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Spice Girls Return: Victoria Beckham Has Talents

by | 29th, June 2007

spice-girls-smile.jpgWERE the rest of the Spice Girls singling out Victoria Beckham when they sang ‘If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance’?

Not that her Poshness minds standing out. It can’t be easy finding clothes too small when you’re thinner than Michael Barrymore’s booking’s diary. Victoria must have trawled the world’s premier haute couture toddler rangers to find a dress that can barely restrain her.

“I really want a bigger bra,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. Posh, standing alongside the rest of the famous five, looks to have grown out of her clothes.

“IT WAS THE SPICE REUNION. SUDDENLY TWO MYSTERIOUS GLOBES APPEARED,” says the Mirror’s front page.

You half expect her to begin telling us that she’s been putting on weight and it’s only thanks to her lightspeed metabolism that she doesn’t look like Mel B. She then throw her arms out wide and looking like a game of hangman made flesh and blood invites us to admire her Major Minor Gucci hotpants.

Two Become More

This is the “Spice trip down mammary lane”, says the Sun. Victoria Beckham is now “BOOBY SPICE”; Sporty is “NOT SO SPORTY SPICE”; Ginger is “GERIATRIC SPICE”; Emma Bunton is “BUMPY SPICE”; and SCARY has worked on her mojo to become “SCARIER SPICE”.

A cosmetic surgeon is invited to tell the world how the “SLICED GIRLS” are, in her opinion, a product of bust lifts, boob jobs, microdermabrasion and Botox.

The Star solicits a body language expert to say how Posh is being pushed out. “Victoria isn’t showing any teeth either when she’s missing,” says Robert Philips. “It’s not a natural smile.”

Does Posh have a natural smile? It’s been no small challenge to work out what Victoria’s natural talent is. The Mail puts a fork in the spokes of the Spice’s engine (making a noise not unlike Vicky’s singing voice) and asks Posh and Co. to serenade the watching media. “We don’t have to prove anything,” they all say. “We have nothing to prove. Come and see the show if you want to see us sing.”

That’s the Spices band of pop – music you can see: voices less important than style and catchy songs that anyone who can remember the words can sing along to. A zig-a-zig-aahhh.

Wannabe My Lover?

And they are reunited. “We’ve been divorced and now we are back together,” says Victoria though ungritted teeth. The tour is on.

But what does Spice Power mean in today’s world? Vicky knows. She says of Day-vid: “Now he’ll be the one left holding the baby – that’s what I call Girl Power!”

That’s what we call an absentee mother. Or foolish, if David should choose to put the boys down and look for a new PA.

If you wanna be my lover…



Posted: 29th, June 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (14) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink