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Anorak | Heather Mills’ Cows Come Home

Heather Mills’ Cows Come Home

by | 31st, July 2007

heather-mills.jpgHEATHER Mills, baby oil enthusiast and pogo-ing pro-celebrity ballroom dancer, is on the Mail’s front page.

Heather is not smiling. She is offering the world a bald-eyed stare with a hint of sneer. “Cows?” asks the headline. “Not in MY rural backyard, insists heather the veggie.”

Mills wants to buy fields adjoining her new £3million home in the Home Counties. The Mail is no more specific, doubtless concerned that Mills will be swamped by fans.

But there are clues to the location of this homestead. It borders land owned by John and Barbara Smith. They share their home with a number of Devon-born heifers. Mrs Smith tells us: “We were told that initially she didn’t like looking at the cows on our land because she is a vegetarian.”

So she will buy the land and the cows will be sold off for slaughter. Or Heather could adopt the beasts and train them to guard the land. The paper says Mills has concerns over privacy and security. Hell, forget the cows. Heather should lace her land with anti-personnel devices retrieved from some of the world’s war zones.

But where is she? Says the local butcher: “She’s not a favourite of mine – I much prefer Paul.” Meat servers and vegetarians make uneasy bedfellows. Especially a butcher who hums No More Lonely Lights as he tenderises the vicar’s sweetbreads.

And there is a female local who tells us: “I do not want her here… She’ll change the village for the worse. She’s trying make herself into too much of a Diana.”

So look out for Heather building an ornament lake with a small island at its centre. No tricky thing if this new property is in the UK’s Noah Zone.

“We will get no peace,” says “villager” Miro Bokan. “Everyone is against it.”

The clues are mounting up. And if anyone knows where Heather is moving to, do let us know.

And warn the cows…



Posted: 31st, July 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink