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Anorak | Britain Gears Up For 2012 Drugs Olympics

Britain Gears Up For 2012 Drugs Olympics

by | 15th, August 2008

WE’RE “OUT OF OUR HEADS,” screams the Sun.

“Drugs epidemic wrecking Britain.” For Sun readers that’s “broken Britain”, being wrecked, or mashed, as we know it to be. “DRUGS BRITAIN,” advertises the Indy.

The bombshell figures — which reveal 2million adults have taken drugs in the last month — will fuel calls for a crackdown on celebrity drug users like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.

Before Winehouse and Doherty appeared, drugs were an Americanism for pharmaceuticals. Says the Sun: “More than 400 under-16s were admitted last year, compared with 272 in 1997.”

In 1997, Anorak can reveal that the country’s top stars were, in order, Timmy Mallett, Steps and Ally McBeal. Innocent days, indeed.

Now, the UK’s favourite pastime is taking drugs. And Anorak wonders if a pastime can be a sport, specifically an Olympic sport?

Beach volleyball is not an Olympic sport, Tug of War has been an Olympic sport, so too poodle clipping at the 1900 games in Paris.

So with London 2012 looming, why not make taking drugs an Olympic sport, elevating it from mere hobby, and turning a nation of toxic youth into one of rare athletic prowess.

What is the Olympic motto of higher, faster, stronger but an allusion to speed, or amphetamines, to give it its noble Latin origins?

Anorak considers the following events worthy of the 2012 Games:

4 x 100 Relay – A team even in which one vial of amyl nitrate is passed between four dancers

Marathon – Now called Snickers, this event features athletes popping to the shops for a bar of confectionary which should be eaten on the spot

High Jump – Can you reach the pack of Riza’s on the top shelf?

Speed walking – Also known as “getting back to South London when you’re well mashed and no cab will stop”

Orienteering – See above, but taking note of street signs, minicab directions and interesting cracks in the pavement

And lots of shooting, fencing and running…



Posted: 15th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink