Bird Of Prey Cloner Jessie J Wishes That The Press Would Stop Making Things Up About Her And Her 60ft Long Chin Made From Bricks
YOU have to be rather impressed with Jessie J’s career thus far. She’s managed to cram and entire pop lifespan into a matter of months, already suffering from a gaping backlash that normally befalls artists who have been around for decades.
She was reasonably well received initially, before turning into an overnight hate-figure simply by existing. You’ve heard her histrionics right? God. Doesn’t it make you want to punch her in the throat (figuratively speaking of course, we don’t condone punching people in the throat here)?
Not that she has a throat.
And with such a rapid rise to something like stardom (we should be reminded that, while she walks and talks like a superstar, she is in fact, relatively unheard of around the world, unlike GaGa who she clearly aspires to be – good luck with that), she’s subject to a few untruths in the press.
She’s not happy about it either. She even stamped her foot in anger, despite the fact it faces the wrong way on her leg.
The singer, who is a direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln, hit out at the papers after it was reported she was being treated in hospital.
“Am I? Or im in my hotel room in Germany?,” Jessie tweeted at her fans. “Think someone told a porky 🙂 Im fine and NOT in hospital!”
She added, using her lizard tongue to press the screen of her smartphone:
“I have had a tough weak according to the press. Ive been in a plane crash, im having a baby and now im in hospital after an accident in rehearsals.”
Before signing off with a flourish while kicking a bag of seagulls to death: “Can I smell Bulls***? Can I smell rumours? Can I smell lies? Can I smell get a job and stop making stuff up? Coz it #STANKS :)”
Put your own [sic]’s in there.
The singer-songwriter, who has written hits for Level 42, John Shuttleworth and Robert Mugabe, has just announced a tour as well. Buy tickets somewhere or other if you think we’re telling the truth this time. Oh, and she’ll be joined by a support act made entirely out of clones fashioned from Lois Spence’s back.