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Anorak | Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding In Photos: Jack Off And The Giant Beanstalk

Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding In Photos: Jack Off And The Giant Beanstalk

by | 30th, August 2011

KIM Kardashian is married. The front page of Hello! declares:

“It felt like a fairytale.”

Given Kim’s porno past and her new husband Kris Humphries considerable height, we’d wager that the fairytale is Jack (Off) And The Beanstalk – the made-for-TV version in which the season’s finale ends with the viewers wondering how long the marriage will last and if the wondering giant is laying a golden egg or thinking about his lines.

Over 25 pages, we get to see Kim and her family appear in a wedding that with an added backdrop of a log fire could double as an advertorial for every cosmetic surgery procedure going.

Kim wipes away a tear. She recalls a letter sister Khloe Kardashian gave her before the do:

“She told me that for all the hard times and bad relationships I’ve had, she respects that I never lost my drive.”

Having thus been instructed what to think of this marketing spectacular early doors, Kim places a foot on the white carpet and walks slowly up the aisle flanked by citrus trees, white roses, hundreds of people with the initials KK and stars of such “A-list” calibre as Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan, Kathie Lee Gifford, Mel B, Avril Lavigne, Eva Longoria, Mario Lopez and Alan Thicke.

At the head of the walk, Kim stops. Above her is Kris, an excited blank-faced presence keen to marry his love of nine months standing. Above them is a massive dazzling white cross stuck to sating mattress. Behind that it is huge expanse of curtains. On the words “I agree” Anorak experts the curtains to part, the wall mattress to lower and the happy couple to get to work on that made-for-internet sex tape after the made-for-TV wedding…

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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink