Kuwait’s gay test gets Qatari World Cup approval: homosexuals can’t play football in face-melting heat
KUWAIT has banned entry to gay dancers, ice-skaters, TV talent show judges and footballers. It will test anyone coming into the country for gayness. That includes members of the Gulf Cooperation Council, of which World Cup hosts Qatar are members. What happens to gay football fans and players heading there, then? Qatar thinks homosexuals are against the law. It locks them up. But will it test all fans?
Of course, what this gay test means is that we will finally know if FIFA president Sepp Blatter is gay, moreover his head of policy Michel Platini, who has a girl’s name, curly hair and is French.
The tests for gayness are even more stringent than that. But they are not infallible. So. There is a Plan B, a sun-scorched portcullis across the moat. Gay people, we know, cannot play football in temperates of 45 degrees C or hotter. At those temperates the gays melt, like the Wicked Witch of the East (a notorious transsexual who knew Dorothy well). Straights laugh in the face of heat exhaustion and chronic dehydration.
Also, gay people don’t approve of slave labour. The people building the main stadium for the World Cup final are from places like Nepal. They earn super-low wages and can’t flee because they’ve had their passports taken away. Thank god none of these slaves is gay. Gays might protest against these slaves and cause a perfumed- stink. Straights don’t give a toss about human rights.
It is all going to plan, then. The gays will be routed. But single men might need help lest they get caught in the gay trawl. We can reveal that England’s WAG silo will be opened to allow footballers ‘between roasts’ to hire tarty babes and lads’ mag models to help them pass through Qatar’s borders with the players’ hands on their arses. The tabloids will also produce patriotic stories of how Footballer [insert name here] does it with girls five-times-a-night. So far only Ashley Cole, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney are definite squad members. And, then, only allegedly. It is hoped that super-injunctions will be lifted so that [**** ********] can make it.
The upshot is that football will be the winner.