10 people who can replace Gary Barlow on the X Factor
SO, Gary Barlow is quitting The X Factor is he? Naturally, that’s the most exciting thing that’s actually happened during this year’s oddly tedious talent show.
After three years as a judge, he’s decided that he’s going to go back to being a singer and poking at the ivories and hopefully never, ever covering Smells Like Teen Spirit again.
He’s not been too amazing on the show itself. After all, he’s the arsehole that thrust Frankie Cocozza and Christopher Maloney in our faces.
It begs the question – who can replace Gary Barlow?
1. Simon Cowell
With The X Factor being like WWE, this would be an excellent time for the return for the arch villain, Simon Cowell, who really makes the show tick with his bizarre teeth, surgeon-swell chops and unswerving penchant for huge Whitney Houston power ballads. Vince McMahon made WWE fun, camp and pompous. We need Cowell for exactly the same reason.
2. Kelly Rowland
Kelly is, on the sly, the best member of Destiny’s Child. She’s not the most successful, but Kelly is street-hip and brazenly sexual. A return to the show would only cement the British love that exists for her. Kelly wouldn’t mind squaring up to Nicole either, which would make for gloriously campy television.
3. Robbie Williams
How funny would it be for Gary Barlow to be replaced with Robbie Williams? He’d probably get back on the sauce thanks to the presence of Louis Walsh, which again, would be darkly hilarious. Of course, we’d have to put up with his Norman Wisdom mugging to camera, but in his defence, there’s a big softie in their who might provide a little light among the relentless melodrama. Who are we kidding? We want to see him break!
He’s got weirder teeth than Cowell, he’s uproarious fun and has a good mix of ‘LEAVE ‘EM ALONE YOU ‘ORRIBLE SHITS!’ and ‘CHRIST, THAT WAS DEPRESSING! WHERE’S THE FUN?’ that the show needs. Rylan-haters are the kind of joyless pukes who tweet constantly about how much they hate The X Factor anyway, so why not wind those charisma holes up?
Wiley speaks his mind and just wants to make money, so any appearance on The X Factor would be hilarious. He’d wander off-stage when bored, dish it out to everyone involved and be a thundering pain in the arse. He’d probably end up with the winning contestant too, and it’d be a riot.
6. Josh Groban
He’s adorable, funny, kind and very witty. He’s basically a fine addition to any TV show, as we’ve seen from his appearances on Nevermind The Buzzcocks.
7. Will Young
Criminally overlooked for The Voice, Will Young, talent show TV’s finest victor (well, it’s between him and Girl Aloud) would be a wonderful judge. He’s erudite, empathetic and, crucially, a bit of a bitch when needed. He gave out on-stage during his time as a talent show contestant, so he’s not going to pull punches now he’s all confident and famous. Also, there’s generally not enough Will Young on television.
8. That Drunk Couple From Gogglebox
Think about it. Two old soaks, slurring and vague, barely taking an interest in their surrounding and occasionally swearing at each other. It’d be amazing.
9. Kanye West
Kanye would interrupt acts, proclaim to be God, wear weird and wonderful clothes and generally be the most fascinating celebrity on the planet, on our television sets, week-in, week-out. He’d set Twitter alight with his middle-brow comments and would absolutely make someone in the show cry… probably on camera. Probably himself.
10. Miss Piggy
Think about it. She’d karate chop Sharon in the face, hiss at the audience and slaughter the contestants before trying to seduce a confused teenager. There’s nothing bad that could come of Miss Piggy being a judge on The X Factor. Absolutely nothing. She’d probably assault Caroline Flack backstage too. CAN WE PLEASE HAVE MISS PIGGY?!