Anorak | 10 people who can replace Gary Barlow on the X Factor

10 people who can replace Gary Barlow on the X Factor

by | 15th, October 2013


SO, Gary Barlow is quitting The X Factor is he? Naturally, that’s the most exciting thing that’s actually happened during this year’s oddly tedious talent show.

After three years as a judge, he’s decided that he’s going to go back to being a singer and poking at the ivories and hopefully never, ever covering Smells Like Teen Spirit again.

He’s not been too amazing on the show itself. After all, he’s the arsehole that thrust Frankie Cocozza and Christopher Maloney in our faces.

It begs the question who can replace Gary Barlow?

1. Simon Cowell

With The X Factor being like WWE, this would be an excellent time for the return for the arch villain, Simon Cowell, who really makes the show tick with his bizarre teeth, surgeon-swell chops and unswerving penchant for huge Whitney Houston power ballads. Vince McMahon made WWE fun, camp and pompous. We need Cowell for exactly the same reason.

2. Kelly Rowland

Kelly is, on the sly, the best member of Destiny’s Child. She’s not the most successful, but Kelly is street-hip and brazenly sexual. A return to the show would only cement the British love that exists for her. Kelly wouldn’t mind squaring up to Nicole either, which would make for gloriously campy television.

3. Robbie Williams

How funny would it be for Gary Barlow to be replaced with Robbie Williams? He’d probably get back on the sauce thanks to the presence of Louis Walsh, which again, would be darkly hilarious. Of course, we’d have to put up with his Norman Wisdom mugging to camera, but in his defence, there’s a big softie in their who might provide a little light among the relentless melodrama. Who are we kidding? We want to see him break!

4. Rylan

He’s got weirder teeth than Cowell, he’s uproarious fun and has a good mix of ‘LEAVE ‘EM ALONE YOU ‘ORRIBLE SHITS!’ and ‘CHRIST, THAT WAS DEPRESSING! WHERE’S THE FUN?’ that the show needs. Rylan-haters are the kind of joyless pukes who tweet constantly about how much they hate The X Factor anyway, so why not wind those charisma holes up?

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Posted: 15th, October 2013 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink