For Sale: Barbecue Helps Man Bed Scarlett Johanssen On The Back Of A Unicorn
BARBECUE Advert of The Year: The Enchanted burner:
The advert for this Bar-B-Cue is worth repeating:
It is with a heavy heart that I must put this invaluable relic of culinary excellence up for sale, as there is only so much power that one man can wield for so long. Many moons ago, I unwittingly bought this magical forge of nourishment from a sand swept bazaar named ‘Barbecues Galore’. The gloriously bearded one-armed merchant warned me of untold rewards, that of which I could never fathom at the time. Since that fateful day, I have achieved flight without the use of propulsion, bedded Scarlett Johanssen on the back of a unicorn, and maintained a 100% strike rate when inserting a USB stick. It is now time for someone else to reap the life changing benefits of this mystical contraption of sustenance.
Two burners, named ‘Infernus’ and ‘Hellfire’.
Cast Iron plate, taken from the suit of arms of Richard the Lionheart.
Cast Iron grill, formerly used on the truck from Mad Max 2 : The Road Warrior.
Steel roasting hood, forged from the melted turret of the Soviet T-50 tank that took Berlin during the second World War.
Runs on the compressed breath of a dragon. Tank not included.
TWO attachable bench tops. These are really just pieces of plastic but they are handy. And there are two of them.
The fat from a pork sausage once spat up and hit my Dad in the head. He can now grow hair again, and it is glorious. Like a Pantene commercial.
A stray piece of lettuce fell onto the grill, and then turned into a white dove. It was delicious.
The aromas emanating from a single snag converted my lifetime vegan sister-in-law to a ravenous carnivore. She was later ejected from the party for biting guests.
Just last week a mate accidentally burnt his arm on the hot plate and his tennis elbow was healed instantly.
A chicken kebab cooked from this barbecue healed Luke Hodge’s knee in time for the Grand Final.
“Two things are infinite: the universe and this barbecue; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because the meat is finally better than your dreams.” -
“It’s selfish, impatient and a little insecure. It makes mistakes, it’s out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle it at it’s worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve it at it’s best.” -
I am open to offers. Will consider trades for human souls.
Ignition is a bit sticky, takes a few clicks to fire up. Just like a classic Alfa Romeo.