Chicks Dig Accordions! Vintage Vinyl and Squeezebox Groupies
TO HELL with the electric guitar. That may attract a flock of dirty groupies, but the real chick magnet is the accordion. Sure, it has a reputation as being even less sexy than a French horn, but don’t believe the hype. A look at this stack of old accordion LPs, and you’ll quickly see that the instrument of desire isn’t the guitar, drums or microphone, it’s the mad love machine called The Accordion.
Women love to rub against the bellows and stroke the keys sensually. It’s well known among accordionists that instruments are often damaged by females attempting to dry hump unguarded instruments. A tip for new accordionists: When you’re finished playing, be sure to put it in a safe place away from potential hump damage.
The lure of substance abuse is no stranger to rock stars, but nothing compared to the world of accordionists. As John Woodhouse demonstrates in the album above, with the simple press of a key, and buxom maidens appear out of the woodwork offering libations.
What is it about the bellows-driven sounds of this magical box that makes women shed their clothes and become mad with passion? Indeed, there is something primal, something bestial about it. As Nicholas Cage once said, “I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”
Is it getting hot in here, or is it just the Accordion Erotica? A comely young female perched atop a diatonic button accordion… If ever there was an image of raw sexuality this is it.
And another example…
Women posed suggestively atop the hoods of sports cars and bearskin rugs are staples of erotic photography. But nothing compares to the seductive power of a woman on an accordion. Nothing.
Tom Waits once said, “A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn’t.” He never met Mister Blot. Yes, there was always a groovy chick by his side, but Mr. Blot was never anything but gentlemanly. Yes, he was into all kinds of deviant sexual practices, black magic, and ritual torture… but always with a consenting partner.
Since the accordion delivers such a powerful hypnotic spell towards the opposite sex, accordionists must be very careful when wielding this instrument. With great power comes great responsibility.
Look at the wingspan of that accordion! Like Dracula spreading his cape, Dick Cortino opens wide the accordion’s bellows, and the ladies swoon at his feet.
Raves, keggers, and bachelor parties are fine, but nothing can compete with the wild orgy that is the accordion party. While these parties tend to result in either jail time or death, they are still worthwhile for the unique experience they provide. (Except in Bangkok. Avoid accordion parties in Bangkok. Don’t ask why. Just don’t.)
A rare look at the fabled accordion party. Appearances can be deceiving –their benign veneer betrays the unbridled hedonism about to explode.
Lyle Schaefer’s album cover provides a glimpse into the home life of an accordionist. It’s not all sex, drugs and accordions; sometimes it’s just tea by the fire. Of course, there’s always a French maid tending to his instruments (plural intended).
Notice the bull lurking in the background, jealously eyeing the accordionist. The matador may be the star of this show, but it’s the guy with the squeezebox taking home the señoritas.
“Meu Casamento” translates to “My Wedding” in Portuguese, but that doesn’t explain the odd headgear and broken gourd. I can only assume it’s a native custom? Whatever the reason, this girl would be waaaaay out of Zenilton’s league were it not for his prowess with an accordion.
“You can have your accordion, but you’ll have me first.” Remember the advice given earlier: Don’t turn your back on your accordion for even a moment. You may be forced to, yet again, barter with sex.
The accordion’s music is the language of love, which knows no geopolitical boundaries… well, except the Swiss. The Swiss’ hatred for the accordion burns with the fury of a million suns. I could go into the history behind it, but it is a painful story. So, out of respect for our Swiss readers, I’ll refrain.
Important historical fact: All manner of famous people from around the world have been accordionists including Charles Darwin, Gandhi, Jimmy Stewart, Charlie Chaplin, Richard Nixon, Thomas Hardy and famed serial killer Ed Gein.
Jonathan Coleman’s Polka Project is from 1984. By then, the accordion’s mystique had sadly dwindled. Yet, as the album cover indicates, its ability to drive the girls wild is still very much alive.