Highlights Of My Five-Times-A-Night With Liverpool Striker Mario Balotelli
ANORAK enjoys a kiss ‘n’ tell. Oh, come on, we miss the News of the World. What we enjoy are the details included in the story, the more mundane the better. Today’s kiss ‘n’ tell features Liverpool FC’s Mario Balotelli and “Ashley Cole’s ex”. No. Not Cheryl Cole. It’s Frenchie Eglantine.
Before we pressed, on, we had a quick seartch for Frenchie photos on the web. And this is the first one that appears on Google images:
Not a close-up. It turns out that the lovely lady’s name is Eglantine Flore Aguilar.
This is she on twitter:
But what about the highlights package for Sky Sports 69, or whatever channel will deal with footballers’ private lives? Cue the throbbing M People-driven montage music, and Frenchie’s on-screen credits.
“Liverpool have nothing to worry about if he’s half as athletic on the pitch as he is in bed. He has so much stamina.”
Cut to shot to Mario Balotelli lying face down on a treadmill.
“He invited me and my friend to his hotel and said to go to his room on the tenth floor as he didn’t want to be seen.”
Cut to picture of former England manager Terry Venables extolling the virtus of triangular formations, the co-called ‘Toblerone’ football.
“It was the penthouse suite and was huge – it took up the whole floor. Mario answered the door. He was by himself watching cartoons. He offered us a drink and we chatted for an hour.”
Which cartoons? This is all about the deail. Was Mario watching Captain Caveman, Scoobie Do or My Little Pony?
“Mario wanted to know if I’d slept with footballers and I told him I’d been with five. I wouldn’t tell him who.”
Did he ask? Did he want to be in the same ‘camp’ as Ronaldo, Messi and Ribery; or was he worried about being associated with lesser stars of the lower leagues?
“He asked me what I was expecting of him and I said because of his reputation I presumed we’d have sex.”
His reputation suggests to us he’d bone up on the Firework Code, flash a T-shirt featuring the words ‘Why Always Me’ and take a long phone call from Noel Gallagher. But we’ve not slept with five (now six) footballers, so our expectations are different.
“He was well-endowed and we had sex in five different positions”
Mr Versatility can do up-front, wings, a holding midfielder or a box-to-box tyro.
“He asked if he could give me a goodnight kiss. I said yes and we started having sex.”
If you’re ever in a restaurant with Mario and he asks for a goodnight kiss, get a good grip of the table corners first.
“It was great but Mario turned out all the lights so we couldn’t see anything, which I thought was strange.”
Is she sure it was him? Do all footballers look the same in the dark?
“He’s been texting constantly, saying he’s freaking out, asking if I’ve been taking the pill or had my period. He said he’s living in a nightmare until he knows I’m not pregnant. I told him to relax and that I wouldn’t be.”
You can trust her. She’s moved on.
The pair continued chatting until last week, but it all got a bit much when Eglantine had “MB 45” tattooed on her finger – Mario’s initials and shirt number. She said: “I had it done as I liked him. But when I told him, he demanded to know why and to see a picture… He just seemed really confused by it which upset me as I had thought he’d understand why I did it.”
Sure. Sure. By the way, how’s that stamina, Mario. How far can you run and for how long..?