JADE GOODY has been involved in a “nightclub brawl”, or a “nasty catfight”.

A spokesperson for Jade later insisted “she had NOT been asked to leave the club”. Sun readers learn that “Jade was a victim of an unprovoked attack by another girl. She tried to defend herself and was not asked to leave.”

The Sun has the scoop; its news following the front-page thoughts of Omar Bakri and musings on McCartney and Mills.

It all adds up to the Sun’s nostalgia special. Very soon the paper will be published by a rheumy-eyed robot pressing F9 on the keyboard and creating an organ from bits of editions past…

JEREMY Beadle is stood by Jade Goody.

“Jade Goody, You’ve been Beadled,” says the Sun. It’s a “homage” to “stunt king” Beadle, “TV’s greatest prankster”.

Beadle has been buried. But there is a remembrance service to come ,and who knows if that will be the cue for Beadle to pop up and say “Gotcha!”.

The Sun’s Beadle tribute sees two pretend coppers arrive at Jade’s Essex home. All eyes are on her Bentley car.

“Don’t tell me I’ve bought a stolen car – it’s not one of them car that’s been stuck together with another one is it?” asks Jade.

We look at the car, which appears as a composite blend of its bits of Volvo, Rolls Royce and fleet BMW.

“Are you familiar with the term cut and shut?” asks DI Dickens. (This is a real actor and not one of the UK’s celebrity coppers.)

Jade wonders. Is that when you say ‘Shut yer mahf or I’ll cut yer?’ “Oh no,” says Jade.

Jade is worried. And then the picture of Jeremy Beadle pops up from behind a bush. “Jade Goody, you’ve been Beadled.”

And everyone falls about laughing…

“BB’S SO BAD EVEN JADE WON’T DO IT.”

BB is Big Brother and Jade is Jade Goody, aka Jade Baddie, Jade Hoodie.

Says Jade Goody on Big Brother: “Sorry, but the show is over.”

Why Jade should be sorry is not enlarged upon. She goes on: “It’s just over. I’m done with it.”

Jade seems to have been watching one of those EastEnders episodes when a Mitchell turns to his prone victim and says “It’s over when I say it’s over.”

Jade’s proclamation struggles for newspaper space in the Star with other shock news:

“Iain Duncan Smith says ‘I wouldn’t waste my time being prime minister!”

“Sarah Ferguson: Become Queen? No Way!”

“Michael Barrymore: I Would Rather Crawl Over Broken Glass Than Present The 10’clock News!”

And many more…

POOR Jade Goody. Had only she not performed so badly in Celebrity Big Brother she would be on hand to help Home Secretary Jacqui Smith through the perils of kebab eating and late-night street walking.

But Celebrity Kebab Shop with Jade Goody remains in the planning stages, and any intentions to have Goody installed as the Government’s Curry Sauce tzar are now deemed too racial even for new Labour.

And so it is that Jacqui Smith, our Home Secretary, is forced to take her life, and meat product sandwich, in her hands and wander into “KATIES kebabs and burgers” in Peckham, South London.

Such a happening gives Smith a useful anecdote with which to thrill the hacks and her fellow MPs. She recalls her visit to the kebab eatery but cannot recall the time. Citizen Smith claims it is “evening”. Ender Ginel, the kebab shop owner, says it was “early evening”.

The Mail siezes on this discrepancy (”Smith stumbles into kebab fiasco”). Having dealt with the differences between “casual” and “smart casual”, it now dives fearlessly into what into the murky world of reservations.

KATIES’ policy is clear: “When we have special customers in here like families we just chuck the troublemakers out,” says Mr Ginel. Adding: “Jacqui Smith didn’t have any problems in here.” At no time was she asked to leave.

Says Mr Ginel: “She just sat there and ate her kebab.”

That Smith then told the world about her adventure with meat on a stick is no matter of public record.

And we look forward to her debating the role of kebabs in the community on Question Time, alongside a contrite Ms Goody…

Some questions for Ms Smith:

Was your kebab hung for 56 days?
Is meat murder?
How do your remove curry sauce from white fabric?

On The Couch With Citizen Smith

JADE Goody is back. Not that she ever went away. Like spilt milk on a Taxi’s back seat, Jade just sunk in deeper in to the fabric and curdled; hard to ignore; demanding to be dealt with.

Jade is on the Star’s cover page. “JADE BACK IN CELEB BIG BROTHER,” says the headline. Jade is pictured, as ever, with her mouth ajar.

Readers learn that last night the show Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack began, a change from last year’s Big Brother: Celebrity Bigotry.

But the show’s fans are nostalgic and the Star finds one commenter on a website who screams: “Bring Back Jade Goody!”

Ms Goody is not available for comment, appearing on Celebrity Keep-Fit Video Makers In Tenerife, presented by Kilroy.

But if she is required to breathe fresh life into the moribund show, she should be invited to stand before a blue screen and repeat a variety of phrases to see which garners the most outrage…

“BIG Brother signs up Jade again,” says the Sun.

But – wait a mo – this Jade is not Jade Hoody but Jade Eden.

She is one of the housemates who have, as the Mirror notes, “excelled in the world of sport, arts, music and politics”.

Two of the contestants list their talent as “circus act”. One, Liam, has a talent for “business”. Jade’s talent is that she is a “beauty queen”.

Where is the real talent, you cry?

Where is the callow youth who can find a public toilet?
Where is the young woman who can play tennis and date Cliff Richard?
Where is the musician who can play the spoons - both sorts?
Where is the writer of the UK’s first Pet soap opera?
Where is the UK’s new Dame Vera Lynn?

YESTERDAY, the papers reported that Prince Azim of Brunei had given Jade Goody a ring valued at £3million.

Today the Sun says the ring is worth £30,000. The initial appraisal may have been influenced by the prince’s gift of jewellery to singer Mariah Carey, which was valued at £3million.

Readers should note that Goody’s gift is worth a hundredth of the Carey trinket and wonder if the prince’s presents are index linked to the recipient’s talent.

And then wonder if Ms Goody should avoid wearing her ring in the bath…

Pic

JADE Goody has met with Prince Azim of Brunei. Or make that Jaded Baddy has met with dark-skinned Asian.

Says Ms Goody in the Mail: “I have become quite friendly with the Prince of Brunei. He wanted to meet me, we got on like a house on fire. He gave me a ring and it’s huge, full of diamonds.”

The Mail looks at the ring, wrapped about his Goody’s finger like a strip of foil on a Sunday joint, and estimates its value at £3million.

In return for his, the prince wants to hang out with Jade, a woman to whom he bears an uncanny physical resemblance.

Right now genealogists and hunting for a line that traces Goody to an opulent palace in Brunei, or indeed Azim to a converted barn in rurban Essex.

But what if Azim is meeting Jade for purposes of research, a case of the Prince And I, as Jade teaches the young Eastern royal the ways of the West?

Jade is the epitome of the British way of life, versed in such esoteric arts as curry sauce dispensing, knowing the difference between a “minger” and a “munter” and how to work the word “fuck” into any sentence (“Fuckin’ right, you minger”) or indeed amid a single word (“Poppa-fuckin’-dom”).

Says Prince Azim: “At the end of the day, she’s not up her arse, like them overs, and me and me mates fink she’s O- fuckin’–k…”

JADE Goody’s re-entry into celebrity society requires careful planning. She can either: a) marry an Indian; b) eat an Indian; c) return to the tried-and-tested Jade Goody brand and be thick.

So here’s Jade in a Dublin bar. A man approaches. “Hi Jade, how are you?” he asks. The Sun listens in. “I didn’t know who he was,” says Jade. “I knew he did loads for Live Aid, but that’s all.”

It was Bono, Mr G9. He’s Irish, like Bob Geldof, who did loads for Live Aid. Another Irishman approaches. It’s Westlife’s pocket popstar Shane Filan. “He told me they stick up for me,” says Jade.

“I thanked him in my best Irish accent. He wasn’t impressed.”

Never mind, Jade. It’s not your fault that all Irishman look the same, and we’re sure Paddy O’Poppadom won’t even understand…

NEWS that Jade Goody is to marry in secret occupies minds at the Daily Star.

The secret nuptials will occur at the Riverside Church in Manhattan (one of Billericay’s premier nightspots!) on February 29 2008.

After becoming Mr Jack Tweed, the secret wedding will relocate to a “lavish champagne reception” at the Twenty Four Fifth floor ballroom in the former Fifth Avenue hotel.

It is expected that between “naw” and “den”, Jade and Jack will experience numerous highs and lows as details of the secret wedding almost leak out…

JADE Goody is in the company of the law. To her left is police woman, her face stern, her lips thin and tight.

As the Sun shows, on Goody’s hooded top is the legend “I’VE GOT YOU NOW”.

Has charmless Jade Goody been arrested? None of it. Goody is as clean as the mint sauce on offer at Osman’s Kebab stall.

News is that she is the victim. Indeed, this is not the first time Jade has been victimised.

Thieves have broken into Goody’s home and stolen £30,000 worth of valuables.

Did they make off with the TAN-gerine bronzing gun? Did they leave the Goody perfume?

Jade is said to be too distressed to list exactly what has gone. She merely screams: “I’ve been fucking burgled”.

And her tax disc expired on August 31, something the attending police are all too happy to point out.

Poor Jade. “She has not stopped crying,” says a pal.

Fetch the tanning gun – this one could run and run…