IT’S Paris Hilton, straight-to-tissues home video star, heiress and American Royalty.

“PARIS MATCH,” says the Mirror as Benji Madden, a performer with pop band Good Charlotte, introduces her as his brother Joel’s sister-in-law.

Can Paris be married? And what does the gigantic diamond ring on her finger with the initials PH mean? The Mirror’s 3am girls, now reduced in number from three to two do not say, and lack the resources to investigate.

Anorak consults its big book of abbreviations to see PH: “Public House”; “Proportional Hazard”; and a test for acid.

Or what about “Photographer’s Hoof”, as the Sun reports on how Hilton and her “boyfriend” are accused of running over the foot of one Glen Gurniak?

Says he: “There were too many people that side of the car so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’”

(more…)

SAYS Paris Hilton: “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”

We like our celebrities to be a bit thick.

Pictures: 14’s parody (L); Paris; shoes (R)

PAUL Jewell, manager of Derby County football club, is “football’s Paris Hilton”.

Do not doubt that football needs a Paris Hilton. If football is to be Hollywood in shorts, then it needs to embrace all elements of showbusiness.

One-hit wonder Paul Gascoigne is Britney Spears, and some debate rages over whether Gary Neville or Steve McClaren is Simon Cowell. But Jewell is a shoo-in for Hilton on account of his singing ability, skin tones and allegations of a homemade movie.

Says the Star on Sunday: “The Derby County manager has called in lawyers to stop the DIY porn movie becoming a Paris Hilton style hit. It shows portly Paul in a series of kinky romps with a mystery blonde. The dad-of-two fears the footage could turn him into an unlikely internet sex star like heiress Paris, 27.”

Readers learn that the movie shows “former Bradford manager Jewell strapping his lover to the bed, slapping her bottom and pleasuring her with a sex toy. She wears black suspenders, stockings and boots”.

Forward With Jewell 

While we envisage the boots and studs, and Jewell going in hard with his tackle, some may wonder if this is not Jewel’s preparation for life after football?

A celebrity sex tape never did anyone’s career any harm. Mr Jewell should release the tape and become an internet hit, securing a future in the media.

This will, of course, trigger copycat videos. Very soon other football bosses feeling the pressure – Derby County are bottom of the premier league – will release their sex tapes.

Roy Hodgson, beleaguered manager of Fulham will need to up and ante and produce a video of him romancing a goal post, followed by Wigan Athletic’s Steve Bruce’s antics with a range of gardening tools.

The trend will reach a crescendo when the ultra-competitive Alex Ferguson, contemplating the long dark tunnel of retirement from ‘the game’, produces a film featuring himself, the West Bangkok Manchester Untied Supporters’ Cub and a collection of battery-operated hairdryers…

Sven Goran Erkisson is the manager of Manchester City FC. 

“GAZZA SUICIDE WATCH,” says the Star’s front page, words illustrated by a picture of Paul Gascoigne.

The tabloids routinely offer their readers a chance to slide back the peep hole and check on the mental wellbeing of the celebrity in “my hell”. Paris Hilton, Brintey Spears, Amy Winehouse, Jordan - you alright in your mental prison?

The talk is always of suicide:

(more…)

UsWeekly reports that Paris Hilton is to appear in a new TV show:

A source says: “The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend. Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust. The new show is going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life.”

If you can’t find a new pal and someone you can trust on a reality TV show, where can you find one?

Answers in the form of a Lonely Hearts ad to Paris Hilton…

Picture: 14 ’s snapshots of Paris Hilton’s new range of shoes…

ONCE they all had perfumes. Each morning teams of olofactorologists would scrape the sheets of Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham and P Diddy and distil the collected detritus into an official scent.

But that was then. This season, the celebrity way calls for a range of shoes. First Paris Hilton introduced us to her range of footwear.

Now Natalie Portman has her shoes to peddle.

As Page Six Notes:

She gave 15 minutes of interviews before going back into hiding. Guests waited impatiently while sipping on Casa Lapostolle wines, which Portman chose because they are organic and biodynamic to go along with her vegan shoe line.

Vegan shoes. Shoes with eating issues. And you know what vegans smell like…

PARIS Hirton is in a film. No, not that one. This one:

THE weekend’s biggest punchline, however, is reserved for Paris Hilton’s The Hottie & the Nottie (Regent Releasing). The final count will show that the critically reviled comedy featuring the seemingly talentless Hilton will sell a meager $25,500 in tickets at 111 locations over the weekend. That’s only $230 per screen for the theatres that were convinced to book this disaster. That means that, based on an $8 average ticket price, 29 paying customers showed up at each location over the 3-day. In a country that seems fascinated with Paris Hilton, only 3,219 unlucky Americans will have been suckered into seeing Hottie by Monday morning.

Source 

CELEBRITY Quote of The Day, Paris Hilton is unleashing her own range of shoes: “I have shoes from, like, every top designer, but I love that my shoes are not, like, $800, like most of my shoes, and they are much more comfortable.”

Picture: 14 - life following parody

CAPTION this and tell us why you’d buy a Paris Hitlon doll…

SAYS Paris Hilton in People magazine: “I’ve had a lot happen to me in my life. Now I’ve learned to use those experiences in my acting. I’ll think of something in my life, use it in the scene, and it really works.”

Hilton is being trained by Ivana Chubbuck, author of The Power of the Actor: The Chubbuck Technique - “The 12-Step Acting technique That Will Take You From Script to a Living, Breathing, Dynamic Character”.

Breathing and living…. Paris has her work cut out…

Hilton’s previous film credits include the horror remake House of Wax and straight-to-DVD comedy Bottoms Up.Pic: 14 

TO illustrate the news that Orange is offering Daily Star readers the chance to enjoy a “VIP package” to the Orange Film, a picture of Paris Hilton painted as an orange.

Also, Gemma Atkinson looking orange, Coleen McLoughlin looking orange, Jordan looking orange and an advert for a packet of oranges (Tesco).

It is joined-up marketing.

TIP: Look out for Celebrity Edition packets of Revels – they’re all orange! – on sale at your local cinema…

PARIS Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears - The Three Disgraces - dominate the mainstream medaia. The Associated Press are committed to covering everything Britney does.

The sex tapes, the drinking, the crime and the attention seeking. Click the graphic for a timeline. Pic: Gawker

PARIS Hilton is medicre. Paris Hilton is talented.

Fabian Tassano writes:

Some months ago Celia Green wrote about Paris Hilton, suggesting that the case involving her imprisonment could be interpreted somewhat differently from the way most commentators were suggesting. Interestingly, this aroused negative reactions in at least one reader, who complained that Green should not defend a “mediocre airhead”, and argued that Hilton should be viewed critically because “she never earned her fortune, she inherited it”.This misses the point. Hilton is a celebrity because she is good at pretending to be mediocre or ’stupid’. Contrary to prejudice, it actually takes a good deal of talent to do that. If this isn’t talent of the most interesting kind, blame mediocracy not Miss Hilton. The demand that advantages be “earned” is also illustrative of mediocracy, which insists that only those who satisfy mass taste should be allowed to be significantly better off than average — partly, perhaps, because it makes it easier to insist that they should be answerable to society for their privileges. (The mass giveth, and the mass taketh away.)

Of course, blaming the individual is precisely what mediocracy is about, and it will deliberately create opportunities for doing so. Setting up royalty for the purpose of knocking them down later is a human motivation recognised since Frazer’s Golden Bough, but it reaches a shrill extreme in a mediocracy.

More recently, we had a repeat of the hate-Hilton effect, with Britney Spears, who unlike Hilton did derive her position entirely from ‘earning it’. Green has just written a piece about the case here. Hate can take subtle forms, such as being assessed and evaluated by supposed experts. In this case, the ‘experts’ include our old friend Oliver James.

Of course, Hilton is American Royalty…