THE new upmarket Daily Sport is unsure how to progress.

The front page is split between a picture of Emma who “GETS ‘EM OUT ON PAGE 3” and an image of the Pope’s disembodied head overhung by the headline “ALIENS EXIST SAYS POPE”.

The Pope’s eyes are angled at Emma, offering readers the possibility that the two stories are linked and the innocent Pope has mistaken Emma’s out-of-the-world charms for two extra terrestrials.

News of a topless model on Page 3 is as starling as news that the Pope is Catholic. And moving beyond Emma we receive news that “THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE”, a fact illustrated by a topless female with a cone-shaped head.

And there’s the Pope in a miter, an arrow pointing to it and the Sport’s poser: “Is he hiding something?”

(more…)

THE DAILY Express considers it to be of the utmost importance that Nicola McLean is given space on its front page to say: “I love big knockers.”

Nicola loves knockers so much that she has three sets of them in a variety of, tons, sizes and shapes. But it’s the big ones she loves best.

“I’d never have Victoria Beckham boobs,” says Nicola, sporting Wednesday’s 32G twin set. “They’re plastic looking. In fact, they’re disgusting.”

Cosmetic surgery shops may well look at their stock of Peckhams ™ and sigh.

(more…)

TENSE times at Fulham FC, where the team are staring relegation in the face.

For beating the drop, Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed has promised his players a hamper of Viagra and caviar.

Play up Fulham. Play up, play up and play the game.

(more…)

IS that Wayne Rooney sporting a massive pair of comedy breasts?

We will each of us react to news of Gazza’s death in our own way, and good on Wayne for invoking his formative footballing memories of 1990 and all that.

But the Sun says it’s not Wayne, rather Natalie Rooney, Wayne’s cousin launching her career as a glamour model.

(more…)

LUCY Pinder is right in front of the Star’s “Save the Great British Builder” campaign.

“It’s a brilliant idea,” says Lucy.

And so long as Lucy has the hat and the boots the job of cheering up a building site is hers.

All you need do is tell the Star why your building site is the best in 20 words or less.

(more…)

KEELY Hazell wants to be a singer…

THE STAR has always been the builders’ friend, and was for a time the official paper of the UK construction industry.

Now the Star wants its readers to save “The great British builder”, by winning a Great British Page 3 Girl to visit your Great British building site.

All builders need do to get some free labour – not hat, no boots, not stockings: no work – is to tell the paper in 20 words of less why their site in the Best of British.

(more…)

NICOLA will be “bigger than Jordan”.

That’s the Star’s front-page shocker as readers take in Fourth Division Wag Nicola McLean.

Nicola looks big enough already. Indeed, with her image posted on one side of the Anorak Towers’ indoor rifle range Nicola’s Jordans prove impossible target to miss.

But Nicola is ambitious to want more. Says she: “I want to go to Vegas and do topless shots on a roulette table. I’m really excited about it and hope everyone else is too.”

(more…)

RACING the Maasai Warriors at this summer’s London Marathon is Page 3 stunna Mel.

Yesterday, we reported on how the Maasai Striders have been told that it is illegal to show certain parts of your body in the UK so is important to wear underwear.

Mel can only agree, although her reasons for underwater are for matters of speed and improved aerodynamics rather than etiquette.

Says she: “I’ve had to wear a sports bra during my training to stop my boobs from wobbling around.

(more…)

“PETA thinks Heather Mills will never again be taken seriously.”

No, not People for Ethical Treatment of Animals - Peta, the Sun’s Page 3 stunna.

“The judge’s ruling shows her up for what she really is, says Peta, who would rather go topless than wear fur…

Pic: The Spine

AND on a more serious note, the Sun reports that Melinda Messenger…

Spotter: Dizzy

WITH a reduced Jordan now looking less like Jordan than a Kate Andre – and who the hell is she? – the country needs a news glamour model.

The new Jordan will be less created then moulded. Into Anorak’s Eazy3 steps young Nicola and with the addition of some vowels, GGs latex and sunset orange colouring (now in a handy spray) out steps Nikii.

The Eazy3 machine should be able to turn out at least 10 Jordans a day.

Nothing is perfect, though, and the seconds will go to the Daily Sport.

The Sport knows what it is. While the Sun has Nikkala, happy to talk about world economic issues and celebrity, the Sport has a “FREE BABE SANDWICH POSTER”.

Before that, readers get a “BONUS” babe” a kind of two-for-one deal, offcuts formed into a Sam, from Rotherham.

But it is the centre pages that draw the readers in like a rutting salmon to its spawning grounds. And there is the Star’s model du jour eating a bacon sandwich and allowing the tomato ketchup to cascade seductively down her bosom. It’s National Bacon Week.

It’s a piece of meat. With sauce, no less. But only half person. No legs, see. No feet. No page 3 backside.

They broke the mould when they made Jordan. But with the Anorak’s Eazy3, we can rebuild…

PAGE 3 Girl AMYLU is musing on the US elections.

Sys she: “It looks like it could be a close-run contest. And it is so important, because what happens in the US has an impact on the rest of the world.”

It’s the big picture. But not everyone is looking at it.

While Amylu talks politics, columnists in the Sun and Express are more talking of busts and cleavages.

Amylu should try and keep up with the debate lest she look ill informed, trite and lazy…

HAPPY news that Jo Guest is closer to diagnosing her “mystery illness”.

And it all thanks to Daily Star readers.

Is this a new celebrity game whereby readers are invited to guess what’s wrong with a Page 3 stunna? In “You The Doctor”, Star readers get to strip Jo to her undies and ask her to look back over ther shoulder and cough?

It turns out that it’s nothing so credible. The news is that Star readers have been looking at “battling babe” Jo and appraised her. As a result, Jo has compiled a list of possible “causes” and passed it onto her GP?

Says Jo: “I can be tested for more things and am now a bit closer to getting better. So I’d like to thank everyone who has got in contact.”

Thank you, ‘randy of Bridlington’ for suggesting “Lyme disease”. White coats off to ‘Gillingham Steve’ for “diverticulitis”. And well done, ‘Sexy Sam’ from Melton Mowbray for an “allergy to iodine”.

The findings have been made available to Dr Chris Steele - GMTV’s man with a stethoscope - who is “taking a personal interest in her case”.

Watch out for Steele looking over Jo on the telly. Next week he will investigate if Jo’s is allergic to aadvarks; the folling week Dr Chris wonders about an acanthosephian worm infection; the week after…

MORE news on former glamour model Jo Guest, who has been “hit by a mystery virus”.

The encouraging news is that Anorak is freshly returned from a visit to the local enthusiast’s book shop and can say that there is work out there for Guest if she puts the hard yards in.

Unmarried and therefore barred from entering the pages of Readers’ Wives, Guest could feature in Dirty At 30, Naked And Sick, and TV Quick.

“GET WELL SOON JO,” says the Star. And there is a selection of readers’ messages for her to convalesce over.

• “2 Jo, aaw, c’mere Beautiful, jus wana hug u, n hug u, n hug u coz ul NEVER stop b’in Lovely!” – Jeff

• “if jo guest needs sex id be happy to oblige” - the real bigal (name and address on application)

• “u stil look ok 2 me jo and if u want it come up to Cumbria! Take care jo” – guest fan

• “tell jo not to worry. I have same symptoms (exhaustion, bloated, sick). Doctor has told me it is just stress and indigestion and gave tablets” – felicityf

Jo cannot be anything but buoyed by those messages. And should like to says “fank u”…

“I’VE not had no sex for a year cos I look like Vicky Pollard,” says Jo Guest, the former glamour model now struggling with weight gain.

We say chins up, Jo.

Pollard is only a fictional character on the telly. But Pollard’s character suggests that she does have sex and requires no more than a relatively flat surface, an alcohol-based lubricant and an insignificant other to sate her needs.

Better times lie ahead…