Czech Out

‘ENGLISH football is so parochial – on the morning after Greece beat the Czech Republic to reach the Euro 2004 final, all the papers’ interest is directed elsewhere.

Henmania reaches Athens

The Sun reports that Stevie Gerrard sent a text …

Only Obeying Orders

‘BRITISH workmen are the best in the world – give them an instruction and they will follow it to the letter.

Warning: creases ahead

Unfortunately, give them a map with a bit of a crease in it and the results …

Dirty Harry

‘IF, burst eardrums notwithstanding, being a Wimbledon ball-boy is one of the cushiest jobs in the world, then this must be one of the worst – Abu Hamza’s bottom wiper.

Hamza and his trademark dingleberry scraper

The Muslim extremist – …

A Big Noise

‘THERE are some jobs that don’t seem that much like work – and being a ball-boy at one of Maria Sharapova’s Wimbledon matches may just be one of them.

Let’s hear it for Maria

The 17-year-old Russian made it through …

Cops and Robbers

‘FROM Saddam Hussein and British judges, we now take a look at some real old-fashioned criminals.

‘Mortgage rates go down, or the bitch gets it!’

And who is more real or old-fashioned than the “Bonnie and Clyde” pair, as featured …

Judge And Jury

‘SADDAM Hussein can curse his luck that he was never tried in a British court.

Blair with the next Lord Chancellor and the future UK President

A simple and secretive handshake, a quick shimmy and a flick of the tie …

Question Time

‘WHETHER or not the Allies are still looking for weapons of mass destruction is beside the point since the invasion of Iraq is now billed as the capture of Saddam.

‘Look out! He’s got a gun!’

The casus belli that …

The Kiev Diet

‘FEW gastronomic orgies feature treats from the Ukraine. In fact, none do. But things are set to change because the people of that land have hit upon a dish that is certain to go down well in Scotland and anywhere …

Guilty

‘STOP all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Prevent Timmy the Labrador from barking with a juicy bone…

Pack your bags, you’re leaving

Tim Henman yesterday completed what the Express calls “the nation’s sporting week from hell” when he was …

Four Smashers

‘WIMBLEDON is a throwback to a bygone age when sport was not just about taking part in a zoned approach, but about winning and – dare we say it – losing.

Racquet abuse will make you go blind

The tournament …

Everyone’s A Winner

‘THE problem about sport is that there has to be a winner (the Aussie) and a loser (the Brit).

Learning to empathise with the less able-bodied

But, with ‘Tiger’ Tim Henman bowing out of Wimbledon yesterday, it appears we have …

Out Of Line

‘HOW well do you know your Highway Code? Would you pass the written theory part of the driving test? Let’s see…

‘You can’t park there, mate’

Q1: What does a dead badger at the side of the road with two …

Dolled Up

‘PRINCESS Diana lives on in all our hearts. She was, after all, the Queen of such organs.

Now with realistic retching sounds!

But sometimes we forget. It’s not our fault, it’s just what with the pressures of modern life, we …

Dear Camilla

‘WE are aware how very much in love Prince Charles is with Camilla Parker Bowles, but does he really write her 2,000 love letters each year?

‘Is that your battered white Fiat Uno?’

Such a production rate would tax the …

To Tell The Truth

‘HEARING Saddam Hussein’s first public address in six months reminds us of the opening sequence to TV’s To Tell The Truth.

It’s going to (death) penalties

Saddam comes into the room, mimes shooting dead a member of the Iraqi political …

No Sweat

‘EL Paso, Texas. It’s lent its name to a range of Tex-Mex ready meals. And it has now topped even that. Officially, El Paso is now the sweatiest place in the entire US of A. Science says so.

Researchers discovered …

The Fifth Beatle

‘IS it? It could be. Wait until he turns around. Hmm, still not sure. He looks younger than he should and more fleshy. But it does look so much like John Lennon.

Mick And John in happier times

We might …

The Ladder of Success

‘GIVEN the nature of her business, you’d be excused for thinking there was a family already housed inside Kirstie Allsopp’s skirt.

Kirstie’s period features

The expansive residence, with stunning views and all mod cons, is, surprisingly, not for sale or …

Nancy’s Boy

‘NANCY Dell’Ollio. She’s Italian, you can chant her name to the tune from Verdi’s Rigoletto and she’s in conversation with Hello! magazine.

Spot the ball

But, as is the way with lawyers, Nancy likes to ask the questions, and the …

Excuses, Excuses

‘IT’S important to get the excuses in early and, if Tim Henman loses his Wimbledon quarter-final to Mario Ancic today, rest assured that it won’t be his fault.

‘It’s a damn shame your lucky T-shirt is red, Tim’

Not that …

Hanging On The Telephone

‘WHAT with all the calls to the various phone polls, sex lines and reality TV shows, your telephone bill has probably got more noughts than an England batting card.

Since Saddam left, Samira has felt like a new woman

But …

Down To A T

‘SUCH is the importance of tennis to the social fabric of this country that it is no surprise to find players gracing the news pages of our papers.

Deuce!

That the person in question happens to be leggy Russian Maria …

Kour-nographer In Chief

‘ANNA Kournikova is gone, her appearances on a tennis court even more fleeting these days than when she was a full-time professional.

No visible panty line, service line nor tramline

However, if it took even tennis aficionados the best part …

We’re All Loosers

‘WHAT once would have been construed as an act of sacrilege, now barely raises a trimmed eyebrow.

So long as he doesn’t kick it, we should be okay

The Times brings to the world the news that a portrait of …

The Tiger’s Claws

‘WE’VE wrestled alligators, bungee jumped from a Boeing 747 and seen Vanessa Feltz in a swimsuit, but even we at Anorak Towers have never queued for Wimbledon tickets with the Henmaniacs.

Hands up for cake?

HRT Tim Henman’s legions of …