Anorak News | Family (Mis)fortunes

Family (Mis)fortunes

by | 23rd, October 2003

‘IF there’s a soap award going for Most Dysfunctional Family, then close all bets now for you’re going to be hard pressed to beat the Barlows.

‘Mind who you call boring!’

There’s dad Ken (affairs too many to mention; fathered a ‘love-child’ with a deranged hairdresser), mum Deride (went to prison after falling for a manager of Tie Rack and then married a Moroccan waiter), son Peter (bigamy) and daughter Tracy (where to start?).

Peter has returned to the bosom of his (Addams) family to discover if he’s going to be charged with having two wives or not, although quite frankly that punishment alone is suffering enough.

Peter was startled to discover that his ‘sister’ was pregnant. “Crikey Tracy luv, I thought I had troubles but you! You’re havin’ a baby with an anorak-wearing freak who’s married to a bloke called Harold.”

Tracy calmly pointed out that she wasn’t about to take relationship advice from a bloke looking at six months in prison for bigamy.

Roy and Hayley are understandably concerned that, given Tracy’s rather ‘special’ mental state, she may back out of the deal to sell them her baby.

On the advice of their solicitor (who clearly went to the same law school as Judge Judy), Roy has proposed marriage to Tracy. “You have GOT to be joking,” she screeched. “I’m enough of a laughing stock as it is.”

Roy, not being as simple as his special needs tartan shopping bag may suggest, thought Tracy may be trying it on and pretending that he’s the father.

Roy went to confront Wally Bannister (the gardener who pretended to be a millionaire), to ask him if he could be the father. Wally was able to put Roy’s mind at rest by telling him that, as he’d had mumps as a teenager, he couldn’t possibly be the father.

Unfortunately for Roy, he doesn’t know that Tracy also had a dalliance with Steve McDonald. And according to the papers, Steve is the baby’s father.

Let’s hope for all concerned that the news doesn’t get out – the body count in Kill Bill will be nothing compared to the blood bath in Weatherfield if Karen ever finds out.

Elsewhere on The Street, Nick has started ‘dating’ Candice – although their dates seem to start and end in her bedroom. “I’m only having a bit of fun,” Nick told Martin, “but she’s getting so serious.”

Nick probably decided to confide in his step-father on the grounds that if anyone knows teenaged girls, it’s him.

Most incredible storyline of the year, however – even over the Tracy-Roy-Steve love triangle – is that Les Battersby managed to ‘charm’ a woman into bed. Les had told her that he was a record producer called Clint (“as in Eastwood”) and told her he’d like to “audition” her back at her flat.

Amazingly she fell for it. It will come as no surprise then when it’s revealed soon that Les’ new girlfriend is actually Fizz’s mother.’

Posted: 23rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink