Jesus Wept

‘YOU can bet your gold, frankincense and myrrh that when Brooklyn Beckham was conceived it was every bit as immaculate as the Bible tells.

”And that – sniff! – is the boy who’s playing the baby Jesus”

The lighting would have been just so, the goats and other stable animals airbrushed to perfection and the three wise men – Prada, Dolce and Gabbana – a vision of classic contemporary style.

And so we wonder what the play of the event, in which the Mail says Brooklyn is to star, will be like.

Helpfully, the paper aids the imagination with a mocked-up photograph of how Brooklyn might look when he appears on stage in the role of Shepherd 1.

Yes, shepherd! You can’t imagine his mother letting that one go – he’s Jesus at the very least.

And then there’s the outfit, a shapeless blend of revolting old pillowcase (head) and a smock made from what appears to one of Tracey Emin’s old sheets.

So, while Philip Treacy makes a crown of thorns and Tom Ford forms the cashmere and silk into an acceptable creation, Posh prepares to vent her feelings in a speech unto the nation.

In ”Queen Victoria v Queen Elizabeth”, the Sun notes that the Posh one and Her Majesty will go head-to-head this Christmas.

While Liz talks about her constant disappointments in her children on BBC1, Posh will be on Channel 4 delivering an Alternative Speech.

The paper produces a version of Posh’s ”Annus Wickedis”, but we note that no mention is made of Brooklyn’s demotion.

The real speech will surely say more about that and remind us that, as the Bible says, ”The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

”He maketh me to lie down on Egyptian cotton sheets; he leadeth me beside bottled waters; he restoreth my career…”’

Posted: 3rd, December 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink