Picture This

‘THE celebrity body mass index dictates that there must be no fat on the star’s frame whatsoever.

Try out Anorak’s new ‘Scratch & Sing’ technology

To cover the noise of bone on bone grating, the celebrity needs to wear jewellery, and lots of it.

It pretty much follows that the higher the star, the thinner the body and the more prevalent the shining rocks and thick bands of metal.

Hence Victoria Adams’ reputation for being ”bling”.

Victoria is happy to illustrate this point in this week’s OK!, posing as she does in a panoply of metal not seen since Suliman the Magnificent bestrode a horse.

This is ”Queen Victoria’s amazing new image”. Gone is the vapid Weltschmerz of La Posh and in its place is a perma-tanned, female Robert Kilroy-Silk.

And the change is set to be complete, at least in the mind of OK!

Just listen: ”Her album is sure to place her as a legitimate solo artist and cut the final ties that bind her to her Posh Spice image.”

And to prove this, OK! produces a free CD of Posh singing scales in a manner destined to wake the spirit of the great Isabella Colbran and consign Maria Callas to history’s cheap seats.

But, alas, there seems to have been a mix-up at the printers’ and, instead of an audio accompaniment, Victoria’s new image sees her pout and pose in scenes from the video to her new album.

The singing is off, so fans of the, er, singer, make do with pictures of Posh shopping in Madrid with Cat Deeley, while dressed in her ”signature outfit” of T-shirt, jacket, jeans and sandals.

Sadly, that’s as intimate as things get and we don’t hear from Posh at all. Perhaps this is because she’s resting her vocal chords for her next photograph…’

Posted: 16th, December 2003 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink