Den’s Stuffed

‘AT this time of year, people are usually looking forward to a fat, red man appearing in their houses. But when the fat red man in question is Phil Mitchell, it’s a different story. Phil has escaped from police custody – a remarkable achievement considering he’s got the whole of the Walford police service investigating him – and the Watts are running scared.

“He wouldn’t be stupid enough to come back ‘ere,” scoffed Alfie when the police questioned him. Alfie – you have no idea quite how stupid Phil Mitchell is.

Den was on his way to Spain to sort out “some business” when he heard the news and came straight back. “No Mitchell is gonna hurt my family,” he growled, but was worried enough to buy a gun from Andy, just in case. Apparently professional Eastend gangsters deliver guns in brown Jiffy bags through a letter box – it’s a bit like the Krays’ version of Amazon – so it’s not really surprising that Sharon found it on her doorstep and demanded to know what was going on.

Den finally told Sharon the truth about the robbery and setting up Phil: “You’re no better than him,” she spat. “And thanks to you, we’re all dead.”

Phil’s set to turn up later this week (there’s a surprise) before he leaves the Square for a year. It’s a pretty safe bet though that the closest Phil will get to killing anyone will be himself when he bursts every blood vessel in his head when he finally catches up with Den and finds his wife in bed with Dennis.

Mini-Den and Kate have started up their affair again after Kate realises that Phil is actually guilty of the robbery and of lying to her. So, of course, being a resident of Walford, she exchanges one no-good loser for another.

And on the subject of feeble specimens of manhood, Gary has discovered that estranged wife Lynne is pregnant with his child and wants him back. He’s still living with Laura though as he “don’t wanna spoil her Christmas”. Poor Laura is in blissful (pig) ignorance and is happily prattling on to Pat about how they’re going to move into a proper house in the New Year and even have more children. How many kids does Gary need to father in one postcode? Aren’t the residents of Walford damaged enough?

On a happier note, it looks like Kat and Alfie’s wedding is back on as Alfie’s solicitor has told him that he should be able to get his divorce through in time for the wedding. Now all they’ve got to concentrate on is finding a tent big enough for Kat to fit into and to ensure there’s enough spare livers standing by for when the Slater sisters get going on the booze.

It looks like it’s wedding bells for Janine and Barry sooner than we thought when it’s revealed that Barry may have a fatal heart condition. “We need to make the most of every day you’ve got left,” Janine simpered to Barry. Paul and Janine have persuaded Barry to put the house in her name, “in case anything happens”.

Barry goes on to prove that miracles can happen at Christmas time though as it turns out that he doesn’t have a fatal heart condition after all. Now won’t that make Paul and Janine’s Christmas?’

Posted: 24th, December 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink