Anorak News | A Family Affair

A Family Affair

by | 30th, January 2004

‘LIFE continues to get worse and worse for the Slaters – it’s no wonder they’re all a bunch of staggering, fat alcoholics.

‘I feel like a pig in a poke’

Charlie has now been told that he’s being sued by rapist Graham for loss of earnings after he beat him up and he’s also had his cab license suspended while his court case is heard. But of course this is the ‘East End’ where families pull together in crisis – and no-one has a washing machine – so the Slaters are going all out to raise some cash.

Mo’s selling knocked-off fags in pubs and Lynne’s got a job in the Mini Mart. Lynne’s not the best at keeping jobs though (just ask the EastEnders producers) and managed to last less than a day.

She quit on the grounds that lifting heavy boxes in ‘her condition’ was dangerous – that’ll be the condition of being pissed out of her head all the time, I take it?

Sharon’s also having money worries. Her insurance company is refusing to pay out on the club on the grounds that the fire was started deliberately (and, with more staff than punters, it’s hardly a good business proposition).

With Den in Spain, the role of comforting Sharon has fallen to his mini-me, Dennis. It’s a role Dennis is more than happy to fill: indeed given half a chance, he’d be doing a lot more ‘filling’.

Hopefully the producers won’t go down that distasteful path again and besides, we’ve already got one dodgy incest storyline on the go.

Kareena is out to win back Tariq, unaware of the fact that he’s actually her half-brother. She underwent that classic soap transformation (as seen to such good effect on Neighbours’ Plain Jane Superbrain several years ago) of massively backcombed hair, cheap tight dress and enough make-up to put Ronald McDonald to shame.

“I want you, Tariq,” she breathed over him as he edged towards the door. “We were meant to be together.”

Tariq’s parental secret is set to come out soon, however, as that tired old storyline of ‘someone needs an organ transplant and only a secret relative is a match’ is wheeled out again.

Ronnie was stabbed in a street fight and needs a new kidney. And what’s the betting that Tariq proves the perfect match?

Elsewhere in the Square, Ricky’s about to discover the truth about his little sister: how not only is she a former prostitute and drug addict, she’s also a murderer. If she carries on at this rate, she’ll be running for Parliament in a few years.’

Posted: 30th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink