A Lorra Lorra Money

‘THE comedy genius that is Peter Kay left the Phoenix Club (“sunshine indoors”) to pay a welcome visit to The Rovers Return this week.

Norman Bates

He played brewery delivery man Eric and would-be suitor to Shelly. “Sunshine Shelly, I call yer, cos yer light up me life,” he told Shelly over the bar.

Shelly had agreed to go on a date with Eric after much persuading from mum Bev. “Yer need to get back out there luv. Some of my best dates were with blokes I didn’t fancy.” Indeed – some of Bev’s dates were with blokes who were barely alive.

Eric tried desperately to make a good impression. “You can’t be Shelly’s mam,” he told a purring Bev, “yer look far too young. No, wait! I’ve just seen the neck. That’s always the giveaway.”

Eric took Shelly to the most expensive restaurant in Weatherfield (I wasn’t aware that Nandos had branches up North) and the date seemed to be going quite well. Shelly even agreed to go back to his house for a coffee, which in Eric’s case probably really did mean a coffee.

Eric’s house turned out to be quite special. “Look at that,” he said to her proudly pointing to a gas fire. “Real log effect, that is.” Shelly started backing away into the china dogs and bumped straight into Eric’s mum.

“Who are you?” she bellowed. “Eric’s never brought a friend home before.” “Don’t sit there!” she hissed. “That’s me husband’s chair. He may be dead but he’s still with us.”

Not surprisingly, Shelly asked to call a cab. “Don’t forget to leave the money next to the phone,” Eric’s mother told her as Shelly ran out the door.

There was more classic Corrie comedy from Kirk as he decided to hand himself in to the police after a couple of hours on the run. “My name’s Kirk Sutherland – but you’ll probably know me as the criminal mastermind behind the robbery of the Arcade jewellery shop,” he told a bemused desk sergeant.

Kirk had ‘gone on the run’ after Tyrone told him that he’d seen his face on a local crime show, stealing Fizz’s engagement ring. “I can’t go to jail,” Kirk told Fizz in an emotional farewell, “I’m too pretty.”

A life on the run (or rather two hours in a bus stop) changed Kirk’s mind, however, and he meekly accepted his formal caution and promised never to darken their doors again.

Unfortunately for Rita, her brush with the law was a lot more serious. Her court case was heard this week and the magistrate found her guilty of assaulting Courtney and ordered her to pay £500 in damages.

“Yeees!!!” screamed Cilla from the gallery. “Florida here we come.” Rita was more angry than upset and launched into a rant about the state of British justice that any Daily Mail reader would have been proud of. A rant that won her a night in the cells.

Fear not for Cilla is about to get her comeuppance shortly as Fizz comes to Rita’s rescue. The closest Cilla’s ever going to get to Disneyland is a night in with Dopey (Kirk) and Grumpy (Les).’

Posted: 6th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink