Thai Surprise

‘CILLA, the Wicked Witch of Weatherfield, rode off on her broomstick this week when Les finally realised that he wasn’t the only man in her life (and sometimes not even the only man of her day).

‘Oi, Grantham. Put it away!’

Chesney finally cracked and told Les the truth. “She’s a liar!” he screamed at his mother, who was busy shedding crocodile tears and claiming that Les was the only man for her. “You’ve been seein’ Uncle Ronnie again.” “It’s true Les,” piped in Fizz, “it’s been goin’ on fer years.”

Cilla realised that the game was up (“the game” being what Cilla knows best) and packed up and left. “Oi! Wot about him?” Les shouted, pointing at a cowering Chesney, clutching his puppy. “Tough!” spat Cilla, “I told ‘im wot would happen if ‘e spilt the beans. It’s back in care for ‘im.”

Chesney was left to wander the streets until Rita saw him and took him in – perhaps realising that gingers of the world need to stick together. “You’ve got a responsibility to that lad,” she told Les. Unfortunately the words “responsibility” and “Les” go together about as well as “Posh” and “talent”.

Chesney decided to run away to London and offered Les the £2.71 Rita had given him for helping with the papers for the fare. “Will this be enough to get me to London, Uncle Les?” Chesney asked.

Les finally took pity on the lad and told him that both him and his puppy could stay. After all, Les is used to taking in dogs.

Someone else down on their luck at the moment is poor Fred Elliott. Fred has finally run out of women in Weatherfield to propose to, so he’s decided to try his luck slightly further afield – in Thailand to be precise.

Fred and Mike bumped into fellow Square Dealer Dennis at their local golf club. Dennis was accompanied by his lovely young wife Lilly, who was caddying for him. “You go and sit down,” she told her husband and his friends, “I’ll fetch the drinks. You look a bit tired.”

Fred and Mike looked on enviously as Dennis’ wife happily went off to the bar. “By gum, Dennis!” boomed Fred, “you’ve got a right one there. I say, you’ve got a right one there.”

Dennis lent over to reveal that he’d met Lilly on “t’internet.” “These Thai ladies really know how to look after a man. Companionship and comfort, that’s what they want. Not looks”. Which was music to Fred’s ears, who resembles Jabba The Hut in a white apron.

Fred announced to his bemused son that he was going to buy a computer. “We don’t want young Joshua falling behind at school, do we?” “He’s only two!” replied Ashley. “Are you sure you don’t want to look at all the porn and meet ladies?” he laughed.

“What sort of pervert do you take me for?” replied Fred, “I’d never stoop so low.”

No, that’s best left to the EastEnders cast.’

Posted: 6th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink