Kat Gets The Cream

‘ACCORDING to the tabloids, EastEnders is set to get even more cheerful when Gary tries to commit suicide.

Worrying itch? Contact Dr Legg on 0800 PORK SCRATCHING

Gary, along with ten million other defecting viewers, has decided he can’t take it any more and tries to gas himself in his car. It’s not known if he survives or not but quite frankly, who cares?

Since joining Eastenders, Gary’s been fighting Gus and Barry for the title of reigning idiot. His biggest storyline revolved around his affair with Laura – and now even that turns out to have been a lie.

This week, Gary discovered that he wasn’t the father of baby Bobby after all and he tearfully had to hand him over to Ian Beale. Ian had insisted on a DNA test, which proved that Gary couldn’t possibly be the father.

Instead of being relieved that he was off the hook, Gary took the news very badly. “I’m not givin’ ‘im up,” he sobbed, as Ian wrenched the baby out of his arms, “he’s all I’ve got” – conveniently forgetting the presence of his (allegedly alcoholic) wife and unborn child.

It’s also surprising that Ian’s gone from referring to Bobby as a “runt” and a “bastard”; he’s now fighting for his paternal rights, but then this is Eastenders, and personality changes are as common as Labour Party U-turns.

Elsewhere in the Square, the Ferrairas have a week left in their house before being thrown out by the bailiffs – and even people who haven’t met them are celebrating. “Crack open the bubbly!” Wilfred told Nana, we’re putting an offer in on their house.

Wilfred has also bought the car lot, and has installed Pat as manageress – showing that however he’s made his money, it’s not through astute business dealings.

Kat and Alfie’s money worries are also over but their martial problems have only just begun. “Check this out mate,” Andy told Alfie, handing him a video tape, “I think you’ll enjoy this,” he smirked. Alfie sat down to watch what he expected was a blue movie, and he was certainly a lot bluer after viewing it.

“You dirty slut!” Alfie screamed at Kat when she came in. A tearful Kat had to reveal to Alfie how she’d slept with Andy for his sake as she was worried that Andy would have killed him (hope Dirty Den’s taking notes on these novel excuses). “I ‘ated it,” sobbed Kat. “It was like bein’ raped all over again.”

Kat and Alfie have decided to give their marriage another chance. “If we give in now, ‘e’s won,” Kat whispered. So Alfie and Kat went round to confront Andy at home. “Fanks for the tape,” Alfie brazened, “here’s one we fort you might like,” tossing him a copy of Kat and Alfie’s wedding video.

“I’ll never chose you over Alfie,” spat Kat. Indeed – what other man could prove a lifetime’s supply of pork scratchings on tap?’

Posted: 28th, May 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink