We Love Roo, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

‘WE, like all the papers, would like to announce our intention to divorce David Beckham.

Rebecca Loos was in charge of Beckham’s personal affairs

We now love Wayne Rooney, who is not only more handsome than the tattooed monogamist, but far younger and more available than our former paramour.

But divorces can be messy. We need some help. And, thankfully, the Mail has news that Tesco is selling a handy guide to the millions of us who wish to be separated from Mr Posh.

For £7.49, shoppers can read the ‘DIY Separation & Divorce Kit’ and in so doing find out about the right way to go about ridding themselves of the one they once loved.

With the average expense of a divorce solicitor priced at £600-£700 plus VAT, the book is designed to help the millions of us who will be turning way from Beckham this summer to save some cash.

The kit contains the ‘forms and advice you need to conduct your divorce’ and explains the ‘legal and financial issues involved and provides commonsense advice on how to conduct your divorce, taking you from the petition to the final decree’.

But first you need grounds for ending the marriage. And the emergence of Rooney is not enough. You need more.

As the guide says, divorce is generally linked to at least one of five triggers – ‘adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, two-year separation when both consent to divorce, or five-year separation, in which case no consent is needed’.

Since Beckham has only been in Spain for a season, the two and five year options are voided.

Judging by his performance against Croatia, desertion is a possibility, and you might think it unreasonable to expect us to love his revolting new neck tattoo.

But neither is a clincher – which just leaves us with adultery. However, since of course he’s never done that, it does look like this will not be an easy separation.’

Posted: 22nd, June 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink