Anorak News | Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster

by | 26th, July 2004

‘IF you are what you eat, than Saddam Hussein is as American as apple pie with a side order of Miracle Whip.

‘And a whites only omelette, hold the salt, a dash of oregano, a pint of lo-cal maple syrup…’

Rather than sheep eyeballs dipped in honey, the Guardian says that the deposed Iraqi despot is passing his time in solitary confinement munching on American muffins and cookies.

Such a diet will enable him to learn more about the Great Satan, while a well-placed pretzel may even make Saddam understand the mind of his nemesis George Bush.

(Although a Bush-like outlook on the world may only be reached if the pretzel lodges in Saddam’s windpipe and so stops oxygen reaching his brain for a few minutes.)

The other benefit of indulging in the American diet is that Saddam should soon put on the weight he lost during his time on the run from the coalition forces.

Indeed, as the paper reports, when Iraq’s human rights minister, Bakhtiar Amin, visited Saddam in his white-walled three metres wide and four metres long cell, he was pleased with what he saw.

Mr Amin says that Saddam “was regaining weight again”, after he had for a period “resisted all fatty foods and had lost 11 lbs”.

The prisoner also has access to a barber, a “personal grooming kit” (soaps, toothpaste, comb, shampoo, deodorant, bronzing powder etc.), a small garden in an outside yard, where he is looking after a few bushes and shrubs and has, as Amin divulges, “even placed a circle of white stones around a small palm tree”.

Add to that the 145 books at his disposal and the lack of a distracting TV, and Saddam should see his period of incarceration as more of restful holiday than a punishment.

And he didn’t even have to suck up to Cliff Richard to get a free room in the sun – unlike Tony Blair.

As the Times reports, Tony Blair is staying for two weeks in Cliff’s Sugar Hill mansion, Barbados, getting away from all thoughts of war and fine-tuning his backhand on Cliff’s tennis court.

But as you look out of the rain-spattered window of your seaside guesthouse, don’t feel too bad about your own summer holidays.

Saddam and Tony may be chilling out in the sun, but they had to play a vital part in the deaths of thousands of people and cosy up to Cliff Richard to make it.

And no holiday, however relaxing, can be worth that much agony. Can it?’

Posted: 26th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink