Anorak News | Got Wood

Got Wood

by | 1st, September 2004

‘IT’S occurred to us that beyond the spotlight of PR-driven news stories about their lives, the Beckhams don’t actually exist at all.

‘The next stop will be Birmingham New Street. All change’

Posh is not a real person, rather she’s the sum of our fears, a stick-thin chimera of every neurosis and psychosis we can dream up.

And today, thanks to the Star’s front page, this nightmarish creation takes a turn for the worse.

Grab your knees and start rocking gently to and fro at the paper’s headline: “POSH IN TELLY SEX SHOCK.”

What did we do to deserve this? Is there a God? Whyyyyy???

But reading on we are relieved to see that Posh will not be getting down to it on the goggle box, showing how solid and in love she and her Day-vid are by wheelbarrowing live on camera.

The story is that Posh’s old flame, Mark Wood, is ready to spill the beans about his five-year romance the girl he knew as plain Vicky.

In a yet-to-be-screened Channel Five programme, Mark will say that he was Posh’s first lover, taking her virginity in the toilet of a train as it raced from London to Glasgow.

But don’t pay too much attention to this because, as we’ve already said, Posh is not real.

After all, if she were some flesh and lots of bone, who in their right mind would want to tell anyone they’d slept with her?

Not even bisexual Rebecca Loos, we’d wager…’

Posted: 1st, September 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink