Anorak News | Breaking & Entering

Breaking & Entering

by | 24th, November 2004

‘EVERYONE’S a liberal, they say, until they become a victim of crime.

A special delivery

And Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are happy to tell reporters what they think about the state of law and order in Britain after falling victim to a £1m jewel robbery.

“It’s Safer In Los Angeles” is the Express’s headline, although how it arrived at that conclusion from what the former Black Sabbath rocker said we don’t know.

“We lived in LA where people get shot every day and there are drive-by shootings, stalkers and all that” is what he actually said.

“We came back to England and I’m very disappointed.”

Sharon is a little more than disappointed, telling the Sun: “They may as well have ripped the heart out of me.”

For all the lucrative trade in donor organs, we suspect the thieves will find it easier to dispose of their haul of diamond rings and watches.

However, the Mail is more concerned with intruders of a different kind.

“Save Us From The Sex Inspectors,” demands Desmond Morris of the Channel 4 show, the first episode of which broadcast last night.

We might suggest that judicious use of the off button on the TV remote control would do the job.

But this is the Mail and it would have its readers believe that the sex inspectors will soon be driving around in vans like the TV licensing lot.

“This is Big Brother speaking,” it imagines the inspectors saying.

“All citizens failing to attain the approved decibel level when reaching sexual climax will be required to attend their local orgasm clinics three times a week.”

Of course, this is nonsense, the product of the Mail’s rather fevered imagination.

Anyone failing to achieve a sufficiently loud orgasm will instead have a copy of Anorak’s Pop-Up Guide To The Wheelbarrow shoved through their letterbox…’

Posted: 24th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink