Anorak News | England Expects…

England Expects…

by | 23rd, December 2004

‘IT’S only a couple of days since Keeley was welcomed into the ranks of Page 3 stunnas, but already she’s been pressed into front-line service.

‘Mum was right – it does make your arms fall off’

And her mission could hardly be any more vital – for it is to defend the very institution she now represents with such gusto.

‘Navy Bans Page 3,’ screams the Sun on its front page, beside a picture of the 18-year-old from Bromley in Kent looking suitably shipshape and Bristol fashion.

And indeed her bristols are proudly on parade inside the paper where we learn that Keeley and her fellow ratings have been sunk by a new code of conduct called Diversity, Equality & You.

‘The code,’ it explains, ‘FORBIDS displaying ‘sexually suggestive’ pictures and posters in case shipmates are offended.

‘It PREVENTS personnel – including women – from boasting about their sexual conquests or performances between the sheets.

‘And it SCUPPERS quizzing anybody else about their sex lives or sending saucy texts and emails.’

The Sun’s response has been immediate and devastating – it has launched a broadside at the author of the ban, Lord Vice-Admiral Sir James Burnell-Nugent.

SPHIZZ! Keeley lets rip with her twin torpedoes.

THHPOK! Zoe takes careful aim with her deadly Exocets.

BLAMMM! Nicola T launches her bunker busters.

But still the Navy stands firm.

‘The pin-ups do include Page 3 girls,’ an MoD spokesman said, ‘although we are not saying there is anything smutty about them. But we want to avoid offending anyone in the workplace.’

However, the Sun says Lord Nelson would be spinning in his grave if he knew what his successors were planning.

Major General Ken Perkins, the paper’s military adviser, says soldiers the world over stick pin-ups above their bed.

‘Lord Nelson,’ he added, ‘would have chucked Diversity, Equality & You overboard in a lead-weighted bag.’

After all, he may have only one arm, but he had to have something to do with it…’

Posted: 23rd, December 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink