Anorak News | Nice Little Learners

Nice Little Learners

by | 16th, May 2005

‘THEY say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but in the case of Dot Branning that might not be true. Since meeting her new driving instructor, Mr Rawlins (“call me Michael please” he purred), Dot seems determined to get to grips with his gear stick.

‘The Stick’

Mr Rawlins, viewers will have spotted, is none other than Gunner ‘Gloria’ Beaumont from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum. What with Private Pike from Dad’s Army living with the Fowlers and DS Beech from The Bill as the Square’s new Mr Big, Walford is fast becoming a graveyard full of half-dead stars of yesteryear.

Surely it’s only a matter of time before Mr Humphries is trilling “I’m free!” while chasing Dennis around the bookies.

It says much about Walford that while Coronation Street attracts the likes of Peter Kay and Sir Ian McKellan for cameo sports, EastEnders is reduced to scraping the bottom of the 1970’s light entertainment barrel.

Driving instructor Rawlins has been drafted in to form a comedy love triangle between Dot and Jim. Patrick Truman is doing his best to wind up Jim, telling him that the dapper Mr Rawlins has got less-than honourable intentions towards his wife.

Jim went rushing out into the street to confront the pair as they sat in the car. “Go away, Jim, I’ve paid for my time with Mr Rawlins and you’re wasting it,” Dot haughtily told him. Well as least she knows that if you pay by the hour, every second counts.

Elsewhere in the Square, Ruby has finally caught onto the fact that her dad’s new girlfriend isn’t so new after all – and we’re not just talking about the ring marks around her scraggy neck. Ruby and Stacy discovered the couple’s secret when they came across a picture of Jonny on holiday with Tina.

The pair have been pretending that they’ve only just started dating so that his daughter wouldn’t realise that while her mother and sister were burning to death in a house fire daddy dearest was getting his leg over Skelator’s twin sister.

There are more family secrets over at the Fowlers as Pauline can’t leave her granddaughter Chloe alone, although she promised Sonia she’d have nothing more to do with her.

Pauline’s persuaded Ian that ‘faaamily’ is all that matters and that if Martin and Sonia don’t want to bring little Chloe up, then she does. “It takes more strength to let it go than hold on,” Sonia sobbed to Pauline, although whether she was discussing her daughter or her third pie of the day was unclear.

Walford’s latest worthy cause – hot on the heels of rape, incest, breast cancer and HIV – is adult literacy. Keith Miller is struggling to keep the Square from finding out that his reading level is about the same as his six-month-old granddaughter’s.

He’s promised son Darren that he’ll learn to read in return for Darren not skipping school, but so far Keith hasn’t even managed to enrol in the adult literacy class which has handily just started up in the Square.

“I was scared to go out – someone might see me and laugh at me,” he told his son, “I was embarrassed.” He shouldn’t worry – surely the entire cast of Eastenders feels the same…’

Posted: 16th, May 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink