Anorak News | Slapper Happy

Slapper Happy

by | 20th, May 2005

‘THE week began with the Mail telling its readers that Celebrity Love Island would be all about sex.

The Mail’s readers clucked their marmalade-covered tongues in disapproval at the thought of Rebecca Loos putting into practice what she had done to a pig on a real life human celebrity.

And what she got wrong, Abi Titmuss could lend a hand with. And it was to the nurse-turned-slapper that the papers next turned.

Oops! It was a mistake that was all too easy to make, and Titmuss was at pains to tell the world, via the diary room, how she was nothing like a slapper.

“I have had to embrace being sexy and being a sexual person,” she explained. “But there is a big difference between being that and being a slapper. A big difference.”

Perhaps. Once the competition starts in earnest, the pressure to produce “love”, and the promise of £50,000, will soon establish how big the difference between the embracing of sexuality and slapperdom really is.

While Titmuss, slapper and non-slappers got to grips with reality TV, and each other, the world reeled in shock. Kylie Minogue – our Kylie – had breast cancer.

The Sun invited us to weep and wail. Not only was this our Kylie but she had fallen ill to one of those diseases that get a lot of coverage.

Not for Kylie a really bad case of piles, and damage to her famous derriere, but a dose of something a paper like the Sun can really sink its teeth into.

The paper offered wristbands, which cost a pound (via its own 60p-a-minute phoneline), with the proceeds going to Breast Cancer Care. “WEAR IT FOR KYLIE,” ordered the headline. “A £1 wristband will show you care.”

The following page contained a prominent box headed “Where to buy the band”. And you could always send your message to Kylie via the pages of the Sun, using a special email address set up for the purpose, or join “the world’s biggest online get-well card” on the Sun website.

It was all too, too much. Having feasted on Kylie’s backside for years, the shock of switching to her frontage was too much to bear.

Especially for the Sun, which, ever-mindful of its readers tastes, found a different bottom to flash – Saddam Hussein’s.

Forget talk about abusing a prisoner’s rights and the Geneva Convention, and know that in seeing the deposed tyrant in his pants, his legend would be no more.

And his studded leather thong the talk of the town…’

Posted: 20th, May 2005 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink