Anorak News | Toxic Shock

Toxic Shock

by | 31st, May 2005

‘WHEN does being a virgin lose its appeal to the masses?

Making people feel sick the world over

It’s an interesting question, and one that we suppose Britney Spears and her people wrestled with as the singer quickly ran out of decent songs and began to look for a new angle.

To remain a virgin for too long could lay her open to accusations of being a prude, too Christian or perhaps even a lesbian.

With each passing day she would age, until there would come a point when Spears would stand before us as America’s answer to Ann Widdecombe.

And while some of us may fantasise about that vision of chaste unloveliness, most members of the record-buying yoof don’t fancy aping the moves of a middle aged woman wearing a Beatles’ mop top and rusty armour-plated underwear.

It was clear that Spears had to have sex. So she did. And she found she liked it so much, she had some more.

At first, we thrilled to hear lurid tales of the Spears libido in action. But soon we grew tired of it. The first flush of our experimental love affair grew jaded with each passing story of how Spears had done it.

New tricks were needed to fuel her fans’ insatiable appetite. So Spears began to appear on a TV show called Chaotic, a (Spanish) fly-on-the-wall documentary into her life, and sex life.

“Mom and dad you’d better turn off if you don’t want to hear this stuff,” said Spears to the camera. But, as a source tells the Enquirer, her folks stayed tuned, and they, like the rest of America, duly found out Spears had sex three times a day when she first met Kevin Federline.

But Spears remains keen to further her career, to go the extra mile, and spends part of her show asking strangers what their favourite position for having sex is.

If it’s all getting too much for Spears’ mater and pater, they’re not alone. It seems that the pop tart is even grossing herself out, and the Enquirer spots Spears giving full throat to her lunch.

While staying at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Marina del Rey, Spears took to the pool, and began bobbing around on an airbed.

Here, you might suppose, was the perfect opportunity for Spears to have sex for the third or fourth time that day. But she never got the chance. Her stomach began to flip, and surfing on a wave of nausea, Spears vomited into the water.

Spears then “fled the pool”. Doubtless turned on at having once more pushed the boundaries of decency to their very limits…’

Posted: 31st, May 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink