Anorak News | Real Love

Real Love

by | 10th, June 2005

‘LAST week began with a question: “Do you know the brunette?”

The Sun wanted anyone who could identify the woman seen kissing David Beckham for “15-20 seconds” to get in touch. There was an email address and phone number for just this purpose.

Posh used neither, and preferred to give her views via the Mirror. “It’s a pathetic joke,” said Posh. “Fans come up to him all the time. It’s as if it’s part of the job.”

Hold the phone. If married and very much in love Day-vid’s kissing other women is a joke, surely it’s more cruel than pathetic. And is chewing a fan’s face off in David’s contract? Are Real Madrid pimping their star player out to the club’s supporters? And, if so, can we expect to see some of the less photogenic, fatter and more masculine Madrilenos locking lips with Dave?

Meanwhile Posh was pouting hard. She had something important to share with the world. “I’ve got so much saggy skin on my stomach! And I’ve got no bum at all,” said she. “I might fit into jeans but, trust me, I look really awful naked.”

We trusted her. Just as we trust David.

In any case, if we want to ogle fuller-figured women, there was Charlotte Church.

The papers had wanted to talk about world debt relief, but something more pressing came up – Charlotte Church was seen in a dress at Glamour magazine’s Woman of the Year ceremony.

The former Rear of the Year (jeans section) was spotted in a hideous, multi-patterned blend of pink swirls, leopard skin and unflattering hip-hugging cream.

We’re unlikely to see such a dress again, at least this side of Lagos. And it’s easy to picture Charlotte doing her bit for African poverty by wrapping her outfit up in a black bin liner and dumping it outside Bob Geldof’s house.

That’s if it’s good enough for his holiness. News was that the patron saint of pop would not be asking Posh, arse or no arse, to play Live 8 with the rest of her former Spice Girls. They just weren’t popular enough. They could f**k right off.

Pardon our free use of expletives. We just imagine it’s how Geldof would have phrased it. Indeed, it’s pretty much how everyone speak these days, especially on television where there’s too much f***ing swearing.

And on Thursday, having located Ms Loos on Celebrity Love Island – and left her there – we heard her fellow castaway from central casting, Paul Danan, tell Isabella Hervey she was a “f***ing bitch”.

That was no way to treat a Lady, even if she was wearing a bikini and appearing on a TV show designed to give British TV its first live shag.

No sooner had the Mirror spotted one flare up than it had switched over to the Big Brother encampment and heard wannabe fishwife Lesley scream at “silly little tart” Sam: “One day you’re going to have the s*** knocked out of you.”

Lesley was not good enough to tell Channel 4, which broadcasts the show, when the beating will occur, so denying TV producers the chance to advertise it and produce some teasing trails.

They could have called it Celebrity Happy Slapping, and sold it as the first show made with a mobile phone audience in mind. But Lesley failed to elaborate on her confident prediction.

And while Channel 4 bosses sense a missed opportunity, we offered the show our hearty congratulations for combining TV’s twin passions of swearing and violence.

It might even just help us through the short summer season without football…

Paul Sorene is the Anorak’

Posted: 10th, June 2005 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink