Anorak News | To Chav And To Hold

To Chav And To Hold

by | 12th, September 2005

‘HIS love for her is the size of a mighty acorn. Her love for him seems to grow by the day, until it seems unnaturally huge and fit to explode over large parts of both East and West Sussex. And now Peter and Jordan are married.

The Brothers Grimm

The Star – as befitting a paper which acts as a kind of topless sister to its Z-list sibling at OK!, which has paid an estimated £400,000 to cover the do – leads with news of Jordan and Pete’s big day.

And it begins not with Jordan being inflated by one part helium to two parts love, nor Peter humming the tune to Jordania, but to the sound of sirens as there’s “999 panic at Jordan’s wedding”.

What’s occurring? Is Australian Peter’s right to be in the country being challenged by the police? Did Jordan step on her beloved? Was the pastor’s eye removed in a freak accident too terrible to recount in these pages?

None of that. The Star’s “EXSCLUSIVE” is that horror erupted after the wedding, as the couple and their showbiz pals partied away at Highclere Castle, near Newbury, Berkshire.

The unnamed victim was taken ill after midnight and rushed to the local hospital by a team of paramedics. “It was real drama,” says one guest, “and not what we had expected.”

But who knows what to expect at the wedding of the day? Here comes the bride now. And she’s the first in living memory to have a cleavage longer than her train.

What’s more, she’s wrapped in a bright pink ball of material and sat on a wagon being pulled by no fewer than six white horses.

Ooops! Silly us. The Star says it’s not Jordan – it’s a “Cinderella–style pumpkin shaped pink carriage”. Jordan, a more traditionally orange-hued pumpkin, is out of view on the carriage’s inside.

The report is not full, but the Sun notes that the “chav wedding of the year” features Jordan in a tight pink dress covered in fake diamonds (“she couldn’t walk properly,” says one insider “and it took four bridesmaids to help her sit down”), a pair of revolting pink thrones and Kerry Katona crying in the toilet for ages after rowing with her boyfriend.

The Sun also spots the newlyweds smooching to a recoding of them singing A Whole New World from the Disney’s film Aladdin, and making sure OK! is taking lots of pictures.

And then the modern-day Grimm fairytale is over. The pink pumpkin turns into an orange one; the orange pumpkin turns into a wife, and Peter turns into an oak tree, or is it a mouse..?’

Posted: 12th, September 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink