Anorak News | Tea Bar

Tea Bar

by | 22nd, December 2005

‘“CAN GREEN TEA CURE CANCER?” asks the Express of its readers via the paper’s front page.

Somewhere in Wapping

It’s a difficult question to answer, especially for a readership more accustomed to fielding loaded questions like “Should terrorists be jailed forever?”, “Is hanging too good for paedophiles?” and “Do you want to be ruled by Brussels?”.

But this is no question to be put to the popular phone vote. This is a question triggered by a story that suggests drinking the “ancient Oriental remedy may reverse the symptoms of leukaemia”.

This is unfinished scientific research being passed off as front-page news. The silly season is upon us, that time of year when newspaper workers go on holiday and recover from Christmas parties.

Instead of hard news, we get hard questions. And there’s no answer forthcoming. If the boffins at the Mayo clinic in Minnesota can’t find and answer, what hope a typical Express reader?

But the Express is not the only paper padding out its meagre fare with cheap stuffing.

The Sun brings its readers the vital news that Steven Lane, a bespectacled office worker from Beeston, Nottingham, has just changed his name by Deed Poll to Jellyfish McSaveloy.

“It’s great for pulling,” says the rather weedy looking 21-year-old.

Others who have done as Jellyfish are Steve Smitheram (David Hulk Banner), Shaun Henessey (Nigel Bottomface), Tim Swain (Time Mind Your Own business And Kiss My Arsenal Swain) and Nigel Doyle (Toasted T Cake).

But it’s surely the Star, sister paper to the Express, that has the pick of the seasonal bunch. What’ll it be? War in Iraq? Melting icecaps? Missing penguin? No. The Star’s front page announces: “XMAS BEER RUNS OUT.”

Nice headline – very attention grabbing. But, of course, it’s utterly wrong. Beer has not run out. Beer will never run out. If it does you will hear the rasping cry of anguish from a million dry throats long before the Star beaks the news.

Beer does not run out. Although it might cure cancer…’

Posted: 22nd, December 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink