Anorak News | Behind You!

Behind You!

by | 30th, January 2006

‘BEHIND you! No, not you. Pete Burns. That monkey jacket had us in mind of a pantomime character, a gorilla-Widow Twanky chimera.

Behind you!

Thankfully, Burns’s coat is now free of Burns; and Burns, free of his troublesome coat, is free to go the way of all reality TV stars and appear on day-time TV sofas and ultimately the end of a very long pier.

Of course, come Christmas, will any of us remember who Burns was? These pages have – as you will have noticed – not mentioned this year’s Celebrity Big Brother in any detail.

In years past, we gave the show our full throat, the words flowing like Vanessa Feltz’s tears (series one). That was the show won by comedian Jack Dee and lost by Anthea Turner and La Feltz; the show that transformed Scouse soap actress Claire Sweeney into “our Cler”.

For the record, series two was won by reformed Take Thatter Mark Owen, who defeated Anne Diamond, Melinda Messenger and a chastened and broken Les Dennis.

Series 3 was own by Bez, a dancer who couldn’t dance, who saw off the combined might of John McCririck, Caprice and Kenzie.

Where are they now? Dunno. Have you checked the end of the pier, or under it? And then if you do find a celeb, you run the risk of not knowing which of the mob you’re addressing.

As this extract of this season’s Big Brother shows, the celebs are interchangeable:

TRACI: Chantelle!

CHANTELLE: Oh my god! We’re, like, getting evicted!

TRACI: Oh my god!

CHANTELLE: Oh my god!

TRACI: Oh my god!

CHANTELLE: That is awesome!

TRACI: Oh my God! We’re getting evicted!

CHANTELLE: Oh my god!

TRACI: Oh my god! I have to leave!

CHANTELLE: Oh my god!

Could be anyone talking, couldn’t it? And it’s contagious. Get a load of this exchange:

PRESTON: I’d do this again if I hadn’t done it but I’d never do anything like this again.

CHANTELLE: Yeah, I know what you mean.

If Burns’s hideous coat is speaking to the cops, there’s no prizes for guessing what it’s saying.

Coppa: Did you enter this country illegally?

Coat: Oh my God! I’m getting evicted!

Last one to the pier’s a dead monkey…’

Posted: 30th, January 2006 | In: Celebrities Comment | TrackBack | Permalink