Anorak News | Anthea Comes Clean

Anthea Comes Clean

by | 13th, February 2006

‘ANTHEA Turner wanted to know how the two women in her house managed to “achieve” anything in life with such messy laundry cupboards.

Biting off more then she can chew

Mess, or, rather, how not to have it, is Anthea’s new mojo, the thing that has earned her a contract presenting BBC3’s Anthea Turner – Perfect Housewife.

Anthea, who “believes” linen should be white – in much the same way the medical profession believe Valium to be a wonder drug – is an achiever.

To date, Anthea has achieved the role of being just about the most vilified and loathed celebrity who ever rose and then fell from fame’s rostrum.

Now she’s back, hoping to achieve once more. And pay attention – in Anthea’s world, as the voiceover told us, nothing ever falls apart. Not marriages. Not women called Della (see Anorak passim). And most definitely not Anthea.

Some may call it anal to fold your towels in such way as to not show those horrendous edges, but then not everyone has presented the national lottery and dealt with the Grant Bovey Effect.

(The very tanned Bovey married Anthea in August 2000. He duly entered the Anorak Dictionary. That entry reads: “Bovey (adj) – An orangey-brown colour. As in, “That meat looks off. It’s gone a horrible bovey colour.”)

You don’t get to be TV’s golden girl by not showing your linen to best effect. Nor hanging your clothes on a hanger without first putting little cotton wool pads between fabric and metal.

Anthea asked her charges why they thought she did this. But before we or they could mutter “Because you’re having a mental breakdown”, Anthea had moved on.

And as she moved we got to see the rest of her bleached Surrey mansionette. We saw her make a mango blini in her wooden kitchen, change a duvet cover (white, natch.) in her bedroom and pause on her landing long enough for our hostess to snip the end off a pair of tights and poor in some lavender.

And all the while we hoped Anthea was joking. That she was in on the gag. That she place a chocolate bar on those white linen pillows. But she didn’t. And we realised that she wasn’t.

And we wished Anthea had just folded herself up in her laundry cupboard, and kept the frayed edges to herself…’

Posted: 13th, February 2006 | In: Celebrities Comment | TrackBack | Permalink