Anorak News | Birds Of Paradise

Birds Of Paradise

by | 22nd, February 2006

‘“SO are we all doomed?” asks the Mail. The paper that earlier in the week employed headline writer Lance-Corporal Jones, the hysteric from Dad’s Army, to scream “DON’T PANIC” from its front page has called up Private Frazer to the front line.

“Legend has it if they leave the Tower of London, Britain will fall,” says Frazer, played by Robert Hardman. “But this week, bird flu has finally seen the ravens – who even Hitler couldn’t knock off their perch – banished. So are we all doomed?”

Over an entire page, Hardman weighs up the evidence. And he concludes that “the ravens – and, therefore, the country – are in safe hands”.

How so? Haven’t the birds keen knocked from their perch by a goose-stepping virus with a smudge of a moustache? Well, yes and no. You see, the ravens haven’t left the Tower. They’ve just been taken indoors to some purpose-built deluxe cages in the Upper Brick Tower.

The birds are fine. The rest of us, sad to say, will just have to die horribly and like it. While ravens see out avian flu in the lap of luxury, Briton’s human contingent inhabits “THIS SCEPTIC ISLE”.

The Mail tells us just how terrible modern Britain is. “Drowned in a cocktail of pesticides, the pursuit of limitless, cheap crops has turned our gloriously fertile farmlands into a chemical wasteland,” it says.

Happily, “there IS an answer”. It’s an ingenious process that involves – get this – not using chemicals on crops.

Of course, until we stop poisoning the land the British countryside will continue to be submerged beneath a toxic farmhouse-style broth.

Still, try not to worry. Don’t panic. It could be worse. As the Mail also reports, you could live in France. According to a survey of almost 26,000 people in 35 countries, the French are the world’s rudest peoples.

Or you could live in America. The Anholt Brands Index says that Americans are the most ignorant.

We could go on, but to do so would unnecessarily delay the good news that, all things considered (poisoned farmland, bird flu, George Galloway etc.), Britain is the world’s favourite country.

Well, just look how we care for our ravens…’

Posted: 22nd, February 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink