Anorak News | Round The Sven-d

Round The Sven-d

by | 9th, July 2006

“LATER he picked up a handful of pebbles…and began talking to them.”

“You,” he says, “are my defensive rock.” He then smacks his lips and with a self-satisfied smirk addresses the rest of the little stones in the manner of Steve McClaren.

In truth, we don’t know what Sven Goran Eriksson, for it is he, says to his pebbly pals as he wanders in the grounds of his £2milion lakeside retreat in Sweden. We only know what the News of the World tells us. We only know that “Sven’s Goran insane!”.

“Eriksson gibbering and raving after Cup flop,” says the headline. Above a montage of five pictures of Sven, the NOTW says: “OFF ME HEAD 2: YOU ALWAYS SUSPECTED IT, BUT NOW HERE’S THE HILARIOUS PROOF.”

We are then invited to laugh loud and heartily at Sven’s anguish. Speech bubbles have Sven saying: “They hate me in England…thank God I’ve still got you, my invisible friend”; “Where’s that little pixie I put up front?”; “98, 99, 100…coming ready or not, Napoleon.”

While Sven talks to himself, and his strike partner Nancy Dell’Olio tells a pal that since England’s failure to win the World Cup “I’ve cried every single day”, we turn to the Mail’s back page and read a little about Portugal’s Ronaldo.

The pantomime villain whose wink cost England World Cup glory is going nowhere. No, he’s not been rendered immobile by a meeting with Wayne Rooney down a dark alley in Liverpool; he’s just staying at Manchester United.

This is great news for British football. Not only is Ronaldo a terrific player, but he gives everyone who does not support Manchester United (and some that do) a fresh reason to dislike the Red Devils.

Perhaps if we all can boo and hiss and threaten to split him in two enough times, we’ll turn his wink into a nervous tick. You wanna wink, Ronaldo, we’ll make you wink so much you don’t know how to stop.

Why, we’ll make you as mad Sven, or as mentally troubled as Sol Campbell. News is that the man who had some kind of mental crisis in the middle of an Arsenal match against West Ham last season has quit the Gunners. And he has become “obsessed with the pursuit of a Hollywood lifestyle”.

The News of the World says Sol was “bitten by the acting bug” when he appeared on the TV show Footballers’ Wives. So he’s signed up with a showbiz agent, the same one who represents Robert De Niro.

And we wish Sol well. But remind him that the show must always go on, and that walking out halfway through a performance to get your head straight is considered bad form.

And that’s it. Sure the Sunday Times has a few words to say about some foreign football match in Germany, but it matters not. In England, football is about money, fame and scandal.

Just get a load of those pictures of Peter Crouch’s girlfriend Abi Clancy snorting a lump of what is said to be cocaine. She’s a “coke-snorting love cheat,” says the NOTW.

It’s the kind of story that’s got the football world talking – and buzzing again…

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink