Anorak News | Elton John Needs A Westlife

Elton John Needs A Westlife

by | 23rd, November 2006

CAN anyone remember what Elton John was like before his gig at Princess Diana’s funeral?

Elton’s performance that day transformed him into the nation’s favourite therapist, the Godhead of requiem rock. As Diana’s candle flickered and died in the wind, Elton’s own flames burned brightly. The Princess was dead, long live the Princess.

And here is Elton on the front page of the Sun. When Elton speaks, the press listen, and today he tells us that he is “so glad” Westlife are ahead of Oasis.

Elton speaks not of some race to see who will support him on any forthcoming tour of funeral parlours and embalmists but of the “battle” to be top of the album chart this Sunday.

Be in no doubt that this is the race that could shape the future of British music. Will Westlife and their musical version of denture fudge take the top spot, or will the plaudits go to Oasis, who gamely continue to make music long after John Lennon’s death?

“I’m so glad Westlife are ahead of Oasis,” says Elton. “After what f****** Noel Gallagher said about me I couldn’t give a s*** about Oasis. I go into f****** shops all the time myself, he’s just such a tosser.”

And: “He’s an absolute tosser and he looks like Parker from the Thunderbirds.”

This much we know, and it is undeniable. The elder Gallagher does have the same slack jaw, blank expression and google-eyed demeanour of the 1960s TV puppet.

But the tosser position demands more consideration. And it is rooted in a comment made by Noel that Elton is too precious to go out for a pint of milk.

It might be argued that this slight on Elton’s dairy-buying capabilities has touched a raw nerve. But Elton will not truly refute the claim until he is seen at large buying milk or, say, a yoghurt at a shop or record store…

Posted: 23rd, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink