Anorak News | Tis Ever Tiswas

Tis Ever Tiswas

by | 29th, November 2006

Chris Tarrant’s game show

WELCOME to courtroom news?

Make ready to press your keypads and decide which of Chris Tarrant and Ingrid Tarrant is right and which is wrong. (Fastest finger wins a diploma in divorce law from the Anorak School of Retribution.)

The Mirror hears from each plaintiff in turn. First up is Ingrid, or poor Ingrid as she must forever be known.

“Women’s instinct is so powerful and you should listen to your instinct,” says Ingrid of the feeling that something was not quite right.

“I would say to Chris: ‘Look things aren’t right, is there anybody else?’ And he’d say: ‘Oh, don’t be so silly.’ So I trusted him more than my own instincts.”

Luckily Ingrid is a “need-to-know” person. So she hired a private detective and the rest is so much knicker flashing middle-aged groupies in a Surrey bar and the other woman.

Ingrid confronted Chris with the evidence. She asked him to come clean, to give her the truthful answer. She says he lied. Is that you final answer? Ingrid asked. Chris nodded. A pause. A searching look. Your final answer? Another nod. “You are lying and I know,” said Ingrid. Now give me the cheque and get out of the house.

Ingrid tilts her blonde head and turns to the camera. “The public don’t know me but it’s almost like they’re supporting me whole-heatedly, they’re feeling my pain, they’re feeling my heartbreak.”

And what they are not feeling is Chris, who has this to say of his seven-year affair with a 50-year-old teacher.

“I was naughty boy,” says he, likening his extra-marital affair to a schoolboy pulling a girl’s pigtails or spoiling his appetite with sweets. “I’m deeply ashamed I let her down and I let the family done.”

Shame is good. We like shame. But too much shame and the star can loose their shine forever. Chris pulls back from the brink.

“Still, I hate to break this to you but I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. I mean, I didn’t break the law.” (Although it depends on what laws you are talking about, God’s or mankind’s). “Yes I was a bad boy and yes I went out with another woman. But what is this hysteria.”

Chris’s post-affair confession is sounding more like a rebuttal. Any more of it and he will start asking what is meant by the term “affair” and what exactly are “sexual relations”?

Chris has admitted low-level acceptance of guilt. But he has motive (he is man) and he has an excuse (get a load of that hysterical woman).

But before Chris can say how the affair was a bid to reinvigorate and inject passion into a tired marriage, the judge steps in.

It is time to press your keypads. Who gets the money? Ingrid?

Posted: 29th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink